[sf-lug] How _not_ to do a retraction & apology (was: 200+ emails from test list)

[Rick Moen]

Quoting Bobbie Sellers (bliss-sf4ever at dslextreme.com):

> The email according to one who should know what he is talking about
> was not from the list but from a bot.

What this doesn't say:  "I erred, and should not have made that public
accusation."

> The email lists maintained by Rick Moen had nothing to do with my
> problem with excessive spamming email.  

What this doesn't say:  "I erred, and should not have made that public
accusation."

> I am sorry if I have cast any shadow on the lists he oversees. Further
> I am sorry if he felt denigrated by any remarks made by me in regard
> to this trivial matter which I apparently blew up all out of
> proportion.

Pro-tip:  Never start an apology with "I'm sorry _if_", as it then 
comes across as a classic non-apology apology.  
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-apology_apology
Statements like "I'm sorry _if you felt denigrated_" are particularly
damaging, suggesting that the real problem lies with the person spoken
of.



As someone who's had to learn the art when I've screwed up in public, I
can suggest a best-practices general form, three steps in order.

1.  Retraction:  Say what you stated was incorrect.  No explanation, no
    justifications.
2.  Apology:  Express regret.  No pseudo-apology qualifiers or
    backhanded attempts to suggest the other person is unreasonable..
3.  Stop.  Send.  Then leave it alone.

_And_, as I said very clearly to Bobbie privately, if your heart isn't
in it, if you think apology is inappropriate, e.g., if you're tempted
towards offensive things like "I'm sorry if you felt denigrated", then
don't go there at all, politely decline to apologise, then drop it.