[conspire] (off-topic rant:) Things I learned while getting a new refrigerator

[Rick Moen]

o  Lawyers are afraid of water.
o  Deliverymen are afraid of copper.
o  A work order is merely an opening to negotiation.
o  Mothers-in-law cannot count.
o  Mobile telephone numbers are invisible.


The evening of Saturday, April 13th,  I notice that some items in my
refrigerator's freezer compartment didn't seem to be very frozen.  I
make a figurative note to self to investigate and maybe adjust the
controls some time soon after I caught up on sleep.


I.  Failure, Part Un.

Adequate sleep was not to be, because mother-in-law Cheryl, who 
lives with us, cannot count:  At 7 AM Monday morning, Cheryl wakes me up
two hours early, by bellowing into the master bedroom 'Rick, the freezer
isn't working.  We need to do something about it.'  I stagger out,
and it soon transpires that 'we' means just Rick, Cheryl's role being
limited to standing in the way and asking poorly thought out questions.
Based on a dumb (but plausible when not really awake) hypothesis that
freezer overstuffing had blocked airflow, I swap out some contents,
clean, adjust the controls, and set an ice cube tray to reveal later 
whether the freezer is doing its thing.


II.  Failure, Part Deux.

By Tuesday evening, it emerges that the freezer's thing no longer includes
freezing anything.  Control-twiddling does not avail.  I correct some
yoyo's prior 'help' in pushing the appliance almost to the back wall
(which thereafter impaired airflow).  I vacuum-clean the condensor
coils, etc.  No go.  I write a second figurative memo to prevent further
'help' using wooden blocks.

Wednesday the 17th:  Cheryl has been more helpful, and finds a
well-regarded local appliance vendor, Pacific Sales of Redwood City.
Over lunch, I go there.  We require a side-by-side because Deirdre and
Cheryl cannot reach down to a bottom freezer drawer.  Also, ideally we
need a 'counter depth' model that doesn't project so deep into the
kitchen.  All the desirable models have both icemaker and water
dispenser, which like electric car windows seems like just something
more to break but we are reasonably happy with a Whirlpool GSC25C4EYY
for $1499 + tax, so we buy it even though they're backordered on this
popular model and cannot promise delivery for two weeks.  What the heck,
we still have a functional refigerator:  It's just the freezer portion
that's wonky.  I shell out for the Whirlpool.  I waffle on whether we
want to pay for water hookup, because I don't know if my 1956 house has
the water line.  Our rep Brett says, if we install a water line, be sure
to have the plumber include a shutoff valve behind the refrigerator.

That evening, the non-freezer compartment also shows signs of failure, 
and the refrigerator is running continuously, trying to compensate.
Thursday, our Pacific Sales contact calls back:  Hey, we can deliver
Friday or Saturday!  I've checked:  There's no existing water line.  So,
I arrange for Guy Plumbing to install the water line Friday.  Delivery
will be Saturday.


III.  Hydrophobia.

Over the telephone, Guy Plumbing's dispatcher asks 'Do you have hardwood
floors?'  I didn't quite hear the question, she thinks I said yes, and
she firmly tells me their insurance won't let them do plumbing with
hardwood floors.  (People with hardwood floors have to just use
outhouses, I guess.)

I don't entirely get this, but clarify that we have tile flooring in the 
kitchen.  Oh, that's all right, then.  

Friday, I drive home over lunch to make sure things aren't going
sideways with the plumber.  I repeat the bit about a shutoff valve
behind the fridge.  He says 'Appliance installers are a bit peculiar and
inflexible about what they think they need.  If they have a problem,
have them call me.'  There's a very obvious needle valve under the
kitchen sink.  Fine.

I arrange with Pacific Sales for the delivery people to do the line
hookup.  It's now part of the work order.


IV.  Scheduled Doesn't Mean Scheduled.

Saturday the 20th, a week into this decreasingly chilly saga, we're
sitting around waiting for the delivery.  I've moved spoilables into an
icechest and am now buying two 10lb bags of ice daily.  Just before 5pm,
smelling a screwup, we call Brett at Pacific Sales.  He says:  That's
funny.  We sent the paperwork but somehow it wasn't added to the
delivery schedule.  He says he has to call us back and is trying to line
something up for Sunday.  Fifteen minutes later, he calls to say he's
arranging for Best Buy to do the delivery on Monday, as Pacific Sales
will be closed Sunday and Monday.  Grr, OK, best that can be done.


V.  Gosh, We Knew We Were Forgetting Something.

Monday late afternoon, nobody is showing up.  More calls.  The Best Buy
people say:  'Oh, we had your delivery order, but it didn't include your
_address_.'  WTF?  How can it be considered a delivery order without an
address?   In what universe does that make even the tiniest amount of
sense?  And wouldn't you, y'know, call one of the two mobile numbers
written on the order?

They promise they'll furnish a $75 Best Buy coupon for being such total
prats -- which they never provide -- and say we're this-time-for-sure 
the very first delivery for Tuesday morning.


VI.  Copper is the Colour of Death.

Tuesday 8:30am, an unfamiliar number rings my mobile and there's nobody
there.  I call back, it rings through, and there's nobody talking.  I
hang up and call back a second time, and it's a Best Buy deliverman
speaking monosyllables (the most he can manage), who says they're just
finishing up their _first_ delivery of the morning and will arrive in 10
minutes.

20 minutes later, they finally show.  The gorillas remove the old
refrigerator, splashing dirty water from the spill tray onto my kitchen
floor.  They ask me how to do their jobs and ask to borrow an Allen
wrench.  (Because, y'now, if you're working with tools, it would never
do to have them.)  I say, imperial or metric set?  Metric.  I fetch.   

The gorilla ignores the fact that all the parts of the refrigerator are
covered by plastic protective wrapping that must be removed, and fastens
the handles.  That's what he wanted my Allen wrenches for.  (Later, I
have to detach the handles to remove the plastic, then reattach the
handles.  Thanks, guy!)

The gorilla takes a peek into the refrigerator nook, then says the
Amazing Words of the Day:  'Oh, that's copper.  I'm not allowed to touch
copper.  I'll be fired if I do.'  Quote unquote.

I'm having another WTF moment about company policy.  Having the shutoff
valve under the kitchen sink is no obstacle, but Element 29 is a total
deal-breaker.  Their having been _paid_ to do hookup does not avail.

I don't understand this, but I see a simple task and a delivery gorilla
holding a wrench.  I say 'So, no problem if I touch the copper, right?'
No problem.  He also has no problem fumbling along the back of the
Whirlpool to find the attachment nib, unscrews its cap, and fumbles the
cap into the innards of the refrigerator.  (Thanks, guy!)  I pull the
water line over without immediately fatal effects, screw its fitting
onto the nib, and use the gorilla's wrench to fasten it tight.  He beams
in the reflected glory of someone actually doing something useful, then
leaves.  I spend the next hour removing packing materials, and getting
the refrigerator going arriving at work 1/2 hour late.


VII.  The Mystery of Water and Copper Solved.

The gorilla's absolute prohibition against touching copper having been
very particular, I am able to quote his odd utterance verbatim to my
coworkers.  My hillbilly colleague Colin explains:

o  The whole thing's driven by corporate fear of liability lawsuits.

o  The plumbing company fears legal liability for leak damage to hardwood floors.

o  The appliance company assumes that delivery people are idiots.

o  Hookups for water to refrigerator can be either plastic pipe or
   flexible copper coils.  If the gorilla breaks the plastic pipe, that
   break will be obvious instantly and ended using the shutoff valve. 
   By contrast, the gorilla kinking a coil of copper tubing could cause 
   a really slow water leak that could cause immense damage to flooring and
   subflooring before being noticed.

o  So, delivery people are simply forbidden to ever touch copper.  If
   they don't touch it, they can't break it.


VIII.  Denouement.

The refrigerator works great, and easy access to filtered water and
automatically generated ice is corroding my crypto-Protestant
asceticism.

However, if I ever have to buy another refrigerator, I'm frakking well
going to rent a pickup and appliance dolly, and do it myself.