Editor's note: This is a collection of humorous bits that my friends have come up with and posted on the electronic newsgroup. These all used to be in one or another version of our FAQ, but had to be cleaned out over time to make room for new stuff. I guess we're just too funny for our own good. Bill Garrett -------- {John S. Novak III} Ah yes, I can see it now. Jordan, while making a trip through scenic, snowy Peoria, skids off the road and crashes. A big, burly, not-too-friendly electrical engineering grad student rescues him, brings him to his apartment and nurses him back to health. ("No, Mr. Jordan, you don't want to go the hospital, or even the Bradley University Health Center. _Bad_ things happen to people there.") Months later, after being given privileged use of said EE's personal computer, the sixth book is finished. Said EE reads through draft manuscript, reaches end, and storms to Jordan, shouting: "YOU HAD HIM FIGHT ISHAMAEL AGAIN, JUST LIKE THE FIRST THREE BOOKS!" {Judy G.} Ok, here goes. If you did not before think I need a hobby, you will now: I had a dream about dear Mr. Jordan. I was somewhere taking an art course (go figure - I am a Meteorology Grad student). I was saying to some one how much I liked the Robert Jordan books. The professor/instructor/whatever said- oh really? Well I am Robert Jordan (yes I know while awake that that is not his real name). I then began telling him about the Net, and what great speculations we have and about Da Survey. He was very interested, and asked what was on Da Survey. I said, "Oh, you know, stuff like, will Rand die, will he lose a hand, is Moiraine Black Ajah..." He interrupted me to say "You think Moiraine is Black Ajah??" in a tone that conveyed astonishment along with a certain "You moron" implication. I started to explain about the "Moiraine sent me Lord Ingtar - I did not send Verin" thing, and he said "My God, that was a *MISTAKE*!!!". Then he laughed at me... snivel snivel sniff sniff gulp gulp. Robert Jordan laughed at me in my dream... {Chris Flora} I had this *great* dream last night where I was Rand al'Thor, already a bit on the mad side, walking around and blasting hell out of the bad guys with the One Power. It was great! Something I've wanted to do for a long time. I remember vividly blasting this one guy who was being mean to a dog. -Chris {Chris Russo} Here's the scenario: Erica is all alone at her home/apt/dorm/cardboard box (whatever). Sensing a well armed criminal nearby, she quickly hides. The criminal enters her room, confused that no one is there. Having cased Erica for some time now, however, he says, "Is Verin black?" From under the bed comes a resigned but excited, "No! She's not black!" Game over, Erica is kidnapped. The previous was a fictitious dramatization. Don't fall into the same trap yourself in real life. [Kind of like the Roger Rabbit "Pop Goes the Weasel" scene.]--Chris Russo {Chris Russo} Maybe the Green Man tree will produce seeds! Then, we'll have fresh little Nymphoes running around. Err I mean Nyms. I guess Aginor and Balthamel were Nym foes. --Chris Russo {Chris Cavender} Nobody is black, They try to ungentle Logain, but he dies in the attempt. Egwene is AS after 5/6 of the Aes Sedai get killed and or collared. Lanfear gets killed by the DO in a fit of pique. AND I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE! I SAY WE STORM THE WAREHOUSES! SEIZE THE TFOH, KILL THE ONES WHO WOULD KEEP US FROM OUR RIGHTFUL PRIZE! {Pam Korda} Lotsa people write about jordan PBs losing their covers: Maybe the books want to disassociate themselves from that cover art? {Chris Russo} What an unnerving experience! There are NO Jordan messages posted since yesterday!! What am I supposed to do? Not read ANYTHING in r.a.sf.w? Are you people insane? What's going on? I can't understand it! ;akjfjasdf;asdjff f;kjsf;asjf Help, Ok....ok... I'm alright..... just need a deep breath here..... let's just all calm down and go over a few things.... you know, get the conversation going. Is Verin Black? Is Moiraine Black? Will Logain be ungentled? Will Egwene be the Amyrlin? Is Lanfear good? Will Judy find a hobby? Will I keep my sanity. (KEEP?) Talk to me... please.... someone type something quickly... I'm fading fast. On a more serious note. Will Rand die and then be called back by the horn? Perrin? Mat?....[THE MESSAGE DIED OFF AT THIS POINT...ED.] {S. Hillyard} Evidence that Joe Shaw is BA 1) Buddies with Liandrin 2) Has his own pet name for the Heart of the Dark 3) Tries to cover for Verin, who everybody knows is black Its conclusive. I'd be very careful if I lived out Virginia way. {Joe Shaw} Don't believe Sean, everybody. He's called "Father of Lies" to a reason, ya know. Besides, I'm a Finger Lakes native, but I moved away when NY fell to the Blight.- Joe {S. Hillyard} We see through your worthless smoke, friend of the dark. You hang yourself with your own tongue, traitor. The man who stripped the border forts of their guards was never captured. Joe Shaw, or should I say Jowin Fairheart, the blood of the Empire State is on your hands. Be very careful of the internet....Remember the stories of the Forsaken binding men to them? Strong men, men who had fought the Dark One from the start. Those stories are true, and none of the Forsaken had a tenth of the strength of their master. Yield even for an instant and he will have a string tied to your heart. Deny him, and his power fails. It is not easy when touching the internet, and it is too late for Joe, but it can be done. {Pam "I may be ridiculous, but I walk in the Light" Korda} What! Darkfriends in r.a.sf.w.jordan? That's as bad as BA in the Tower! I'd as soon swallow a live silverpike! Quick! Somebody set up a "Hunters Three" party! So, anyway, what do you call a Darkfriend who uses Usenet? "Dreadposter?" {S. Hillyard, after Erica defends Verin's honor yet again} Ackkk! [scribble, scribble] ooo oooooo oooooooo ooooooooo oooooooo oooooooo oooooo ooooo ooooo oo o Truly, they are everywhere --Sean, Defender of the Light {John C. Hansen} Oh yeah? What about all these fangs and white cloaks we've seen lately hiding in some darkf...er peoples closets. Sean has clearly been to one too many _socials_ with his _friends_, IF you know what I mean. I mean to say, calling nice plump old ladies names like _some_ people have been doing in this group is just not on. Verin is _not_ BA! :-) (feeling slightly uneasy at the thought of having to eat my words some day...) {John S. Novak} At least I'm not a Whitecloak. Wouldn't be caught _dead_ wearing white... {Viren R. Shah} "You look nice in brown AND black, Viren" -- Cindy, addressing Viren, 30 September, 1993 {Judy G.} "It's hard to be brave when you're a Very Small Animal." - Piglet {Name withheld to protect the guilty} "It's hard to be brave when you're a very small chunk of bacon and people are hungry." - Piglet {John S. Novak III} You know what's really scary? The fact that I can glance at, and subsequently _pronounce_ "Al'cair'rahienallen". Or the fact that I spell "Al'cair'rahienallen" without checking my sources for the spelling. And the same with Tel'aron'rhiod, and so forth...[Close on Tel'aran'rhiod, John, -10pts, Can't find the other to check it, CR :-] {Ruchira Datta (& Rupa)} This land is Rand-Land, this land's Egwene-Land, from Arad Doman to the Aiel Waste-Land. From Kinslayer's Dagger, to the Dragon's Fingers, this land was made by LTT. {Bill Garrett:} Oh, a darkfriend Aiel, I see... the book says Natael opened the pantry door, trying to find a good bottle of wine. Unfortunately for him, the Queen's palace only had ale. {Bill Garrett: (re Michael Jordan = Robert Jordan?)} Yeah, I heard that the introduction he repeats at the beginning of each book was originally written as: The Shot Clock winds down, leading to shots that become memories. Memories become legends and legends fade to myth, but even myth is long forgotten when the Matchup that gave birth to it comes again in the Next Season. In a Period called the Third Period by some, a Period yet to come, a Period long past, the sound of a buzzer was heard across the parquet floor. It was not the beginning, for there are neither beginnings nor endings to the Game of Basketball, but it was *a* beginning. But the editors thought the basketball metaphors were too corny, so they had Jordan rewrite them in that fantasy mumbo-jumbo. ;) Other changes the editors had Jordan make: - Change the "3-Point Land" to "The Three-Fold Land" - Rename the self-appointed guardians of the Light (rules) from "the Stripeshirts" to "the Whitecloaks" - Stop giving names to trolloc tribes that sound like names of basketball teams (eg, the "Hoy'iaas" tribe of trollocs was renamed to "Dah'vol", etc) - Remove the references to Lan "the Bird man" shattering a backboard in Lord Agelmar's court. - Call the process of destroying one's ability to channel "stilling" instead of "fouling out" - Describe courtly intrigue as "the game of houses" instead of "the playoffs" - Change the ancient symbol of The One Power from an orange circle with thin black longitudinal lines to the black and white Yin-Yang. (note: Jordan never took a class in Eastern philosophy when he was at UNC so he forgot to include the small circles of opposite color in the two halves) {Joe Shaw adds:} The only thing [the above] lacked was an overt reference to Lanfear. "Cheerleader of the Night, she walks again." :-) {edmund wong} } Judy G. } "I am no easy meat, Aes Sedai" - Piglet to Verin Sedai Gee, I like that sig, but for the life of me, I have no idea what it's supposed to mean. {Judy G.} In case anyone saw Outland yesterday, it is quite clear that 1. Berk Breathed is a Darkfriend and 2. Outland is a tool of the DO, and 3. Mr. Breathed clearly lurks on the Jordan net - where else would such viciousness for poor little Piglet come from? (For those who did not see it, Winnie the Pooh walks out of Binkley's closet of fears, and upon returning, peeks in and says - "Oh no. Beavis and Butthead just roasted Piglet". {David Wren-Hardin} Beavis and Butt-head go to Rand-Land and are made Dreadlords: huh, huh, huh...Balefire's cool...huh, huh, Yeah-Yeah, Cool, Yeah... A PUBLIC APOLOGY POEM FOR PAM (Sorry again!) {Erica Sadun} Daughter of the FAQ She writes from now. The ongoing opus, she yet writes Her new public she seeks, who shall read her and delight, yet read still. Who shall get out with her coming? The Georgia Tech Walls shall kneel. FAQ feeds FAQ. FAQ calls FAQ. FAQ is, and FAQ was, and FAQ shall ever be. The man who loves lanfear stands alone. He gives her for the sacrifice. Two roads before him, one to lanfear beyond dying, one to Nynaeve, eternal. Which will he choose? Which will he choose? What lust shelters? What humor slays? Hair feeds Hair. Hair calls Hair. Long Hair is, and Long Hair was, and Long Hair shall ever be. Judy came to the Mountains of UMCP. Tom waited in the High Passes. The hunt is now begun. The coursework now hounds and kills. One did study and one did work, but both are. The time of midterms has come. Grade feeds Grades. Grade calls Grades. GPA is, and GPA was, and GPA shall ever be. The Jordanites wait on r.a.sf.w. The split of the newsgroup burns the ancient rn tree heirarchy. Flames will fly and email burn before the great split comes. Flames will reap and votes will fail before the great split comes. Now the great split comes. Now the great split comes. Postings feed postings. Postings call postings. Posting is, and Posting was, and Posting shall ever be. {Pam Korda & David Wren-Hardin} PK} 1. Tam is Tam. DWH} Yes, but Tam backwards is Mat, so I think Tam is really Mat from the future ! It must be true because I think somewhere Mat said he wasn't Tam and we all know about ironic foreshadowing ! PK} 2. elyas is elyas DWH} I noticed you didn't capitalize his name, are you trying to imply that he is e.e. cummings ? {Emmet "the lost" O'Brien} '"Hee hee, I've fooled them all, and all thanks to advice from Piers Anthony" giggled "Padan" Fain Jarstrider.." [ No, I couldn't lie down and not think of Roy. There were Darkfriends in my bed. It's true. I swear I stayed up reading my Lothair Mantelar. Well, there were two of them, and I wasn't armed. There was milk in that coffee a minute ago. What little pink creature ? I didn't see any little pink creature. No, Lord Captain, not the Questioners.. Aaagh! ] {Patrick Nielsen Hayden, the Tor Books Man, and Bill "Fain" Garrett} PNH} No, it's a signal that I don't work for the real Tor, but for Bizarro Tor! No! Am Bizarro editor, send unsolicited terrible manuscripts to aspiring writers! Send huge sales force nationwide to confiscate and hide bestselling paperbacks! Force Orson Scott Card to erase only extant manuscript of fourth Alvin novel! Go into chain bookstores, turn all competitors' books face out! Bizarro editing am big fun! BG} You forgot the part about sneaking unbidden into peoples' homes at night and ripping the covers off their Tor paperbacks. PNH} Cngevpx Avryfra Unlqra : fravbe rqvgbe, Gbe Obbxf : cau@cnavk.pbz BG} Ah, yes, the old tongue for "Patrick Nielsen Hayden : senior editor, Tor Books : pnh@panix.com". {Chad "OilCan" Orzel on Whitecloaks} The rest of them are annoying: Dain is a drunk, Byar and Hillyard are rabid, and this whole Whitecloak thing is just a phase Galad's going through... {CC Hillyard casts the Wheel of Time movie} Ingtar: Joe Shaw, Darkfriend Borderlander Ishamael: Can there be any doubt the ol'flameface is anybody but 'Oilcan.' Fain: Bill Garrett, who else could make such an abrupt 180 in personality? First, showing his true colors in a scathing attack on an innocent, and then actually winning her over to his side! Which means Alviarin: Emily. You should have blasted him when you had the chance. (and I have it from reliable sources that this private 'apology' was actually a description of certain activities at Shayol Ghul) Perrin: Novak and a certain metallurgist need to battle it out on this one. Contest rules: each must sing Coming Home from Tarwin's Gap, one that sounds most like a stepped-on frog plays Perrin. Min: Pam Elayne: Judy (who seems to have been killed by her exam a couple weeks ago) Elder Bornhald: Don Harlow Verin: Emma Pease Dena: Erica. Anybody who makes available to the net her rendition of Jac o' Shadows has some inborn desire to be a Gleeman. Of course, Dena had talent, so somebody who download her rendition needs to comment. Farstrider: Anybody who I haven't mentioned. Hell, _everybody_ can play him at some point. {to which Oil "Ba'alzamon" Can adds:} Child Byar: played with great glee by Sean Hillyard... Unless of course we can get the guy who played "Mr. Blue" in _Resevoir Dogs._ {OilCan} Well, as Pam points out, when writing grant applications, one would do well to avoid phrases like "Release into the world the Source of All Evil (tm)." Use of "Develop a single Power source for both male and female channelers," is encouraged, however, because that falls into the category of "directed research," and hence will be extensively funded... {Oilcan & co on the forthcoming release of LoC} Joe} The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that } become as legendary as Roy's lust for Lanfear. Legend fades to myth, } and even myth is long forgotten, like our real work will be when Lord of } Chaos is finally released, when the Age that gave it birth comes again.... Bill} That should be Month, not Age. More specifically, October. } "In a month called October by some, a Month yet to come, a } Month long past, a breeze rose from the placid shelves of } bookstores across the land as crowds sallied forth to procure } the Lord of Chaos. It was not the beginning, for there are } neither beginnings nor endings to Fandom, but it was *a* } beginning." OilCan::Or, for another angle on the same thing... ::"In a Month called September by some, a Month yet to come, a Month long ::past, a wind rose from the bookstores of the land, as managers of ::Waldenbooks the world over screamed "NO, IT'S NOT OUT YET!!!!" at the ::vast crowds of Jordanites clogging their stores. The wind was not the ::beginning, for there are neither beginnings nor endings to the travails ::of bookstore owners. But it was _a_ beginning..."