From: mloy@indyvax.iupui.edu (Mark Loy) Date: 20 Sep 1995 18:10:23 GMT Subject: TAN: Report from the Semi-annual Midwest Mega-DFS (LONG) The semi-annual midwest mega-Darkfried Social was held this last weekend at the Fridays at Keystone at the Crossing in beautiful, picturesque, scenic, semi-clean Indianapolis, Indiana. Those in attendance were: John Novak Erica Sadun Hawk Bill Garrett Rick Moen Dylan Flynn Alexander Piglet Roy Navarre Hohn Cho Flavio Chad David Wren-Hardin Devin Mike Murphy Mike Hoye Melissa Halasz Pam Korda The Will Collective KKKenneth Julie Kangas Joe Shaw Emmet Ivis Aaron Emma Sean Hillyard Helmut Mike Macchione Bob Hofmann Viren Darkelf Tony Zbaraschuk Michael Erroneous John Bollinger Phil Boswell The Indiana Pacer Pacemates The Indianpolis Colts Cheerleaders Mark Loy With special guest appearance by... Patrick Nielsen Hayden There were also several dozen other sundry individuals that I did not get a chance to talk to and therefore didn't get the opportunity to alienate. I apologize that I don't have your names on this list. E-mail me and I will rectify it post-haste. Anyway, the directions to the event must have been fairly accurate because only forty or fifty people complained that they had any difficulty finding the venue. Emmit was the most angry since I neglected to put in the directions anything about crossing that pesky Atlantic. And all things considered, the turn out has to be called only fair. I had hoped to have Woody, Amol, and PHILIP JASON there to beat the shit out of in the parking lot but you can't have everything. Since I had made provisions to have the entire establishment reserved for our gathering, we were not bothered by any non-rasfwrj types not getting any of our in-jokes and the inevitable cursing and possible law-suits. Sit down, Flavio! Geez... Of course, this doesn't include the cheerleaders...I thought that somehow, they'd fit in...and of course, I briefed them personally on what to expect, so they were well prepared. Of course, I think the mace was a bit much, but that's just me. As soon as everyone had gathered I called the darkfriend social to order by having everyone sing the rasfwrj official song, "Safety Dance" which never fails to bring a tear to everyone's eye. In fact, Chad almost spontaneously combusted, he was so affected by this haunting tune. Next I had Erica recite the rasfwrj pledge of allegiance...We pledge allegiance to this gathering of sick and demented souls...and to the books for which it stands...one group, under Usenet, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all...unless you don't read the FAQ or you don't follow standard netiquette or you are such a stupid phlegm ball that we can't stand to be in the same solar system as you let alone the same planet...die, asswipe, die. Having completed this, it was then time to sacrifice the ceremonial newbie. His heart was passed around for each of us to consume but some people had to decline on grounds that they didn't know where that thing had been. Next it was time to throw out the first insult. Darkelf volunteered to do the honors and stood up to cast serious aspersions on Dylans ancestry up to and including the current generation. The judges scored it with perfect tens except for Julie who felt it needed a fish reference. Of course, the degree of difficulty was low...it was Dylan after all...so his overall score fell several points short of Bill's record insult of Roy a few years back. The compulsory events out of the way, the freestyle portion of the program followed. The first order of business was purchasing of the obligatory $37 of beer. Since there were so many people in attendance, we each got only a dribble of beer in which to make the first toast of the evening. It was my duty, being the unofficial official host of this gathering, to do the honors. I decided to use my favorite toast of all time as it is always appropriate at informal formal gatherings such as this. "A toast...to Robert Jordan...may he find a love starved porcupine in his sock drawer for destroying what little life I had." "Here...here," was the cry. And we drank our miniscule portions. Enough of that 37 dollars worth, shit...bring out the kegs...let's get down to some serious inebriating activities. So we did. Of course we needed some food to wash it down with so we all dove in to the fully resplendent gaggle of foodstuffs laid out on a table. After we cleaned up the fuckin' mess that caused...another even more impressive bounty of caloric goodies was provided for our culinary delight and enrichment. Some people congregated around the spicy end of the table where I had made my special "Lowest Level of Hell" hot sauce. The recipe is simple...take a few dozen jalapenos, a few red chiles, several cayenne peppers, and some tabasco sauce...put them in a blender until they are thoroughly blended--hence the name--and then pour them into a large serving bowl and swish them around until they coat the sides. Then toss the woosyfied shit into the trash and bring out my secret recipe--Habenero surprise--sauce to put in the "seasoned" bowl. I placed a mirror behind the sauce and instructed everyone to look only at the image--man does not look upon the face of the Gorgon and live--when they dipped the sauce onto chips and such. There were only two fatalities. Shit...must not have used enough habeneros. Bits and pieces of conversations overheard at the gathering: "I'm going to be rich someday...really rich...once I get a large amount of money." "Badger...b...a...d...g...e...r....badger...yeah, like the animal, only smaller." "I don't like Aviendha...she's too much like Hillary Clinton for my taste." "No...Rand would have to be played by Ted Danson." "Mark Loy is the best thing to happen to the group since English was adopted as the offficial language." "Mark Loy is the worst thing to happen to the group since Jesse Jackson posted so many articles without punctuation a few months ago." "So after this is over, do you want to go back to Oregon with me and see my ranch? I have over 1500 head of cattle. You know about head, don't you?" "So I told him that I would either have to flunk him or kill him...what can I say...he said he *had* to pass my course, so..." "Bite me." "No, Flavio...I said *soup*" "Hohn, tell me...ever seen a grown man naked?" "I don't swallow...unless I really like the guy." "Come on...surely you can't be serious." "I AM SERIOUS...AND DON'T CALL ME..." "That's a spoiler...for God's sake people...that's a spoiler...at least warn me before you talk out loud about something I don't know. Now you've ruined it." "No...bite *me*...it's a term of endearment." "You can trust me on this...Hawk used to be a man. No shit." "Pam said she wasn't going to include it in the FAQ...so NYAAA!" "But it's so obvious...Asmodean killed himself...he saw his reflection in a mirror and..." "No...infinity is not a number...think of it as a book without end, sort of like the WoT...." "I give up...I've tried to be nice about this but with some people you have to be blunt...sit on this and rotate...repeat." "Timothy is real...honest...would I lie?" "Timothy isn't real...honest...would I lie?" There were several inevitable squabbles but the much bally-hooed confrontation between Rick and Roy was a bust. They shared a drink or two...and decided to let bygones be bygones...and went over and pounded Kenneth into mush. The Will collective never went anywhere without each other...okay...but the bathroom stall was a bit much. The few times that people upped their chucks were confined to the parking lot or Bill and Hawk's table. Other notable activities: Commandeering a city bus to play "Speed" went well until the police showed up to put a damper on the quick tour of the airport runway. Pin the tail on Piglet was a blast until someone actually pinned the tail on Piglet. Who'd of thought that her warder would object. Go figure. The group of people playing WoT jeopardy were out screamed by those playing WoT Wheel of Fortune. And forget about the game of WoT strip parcheesi in the girls restroom...Did anyone ever find out what happened to MPS? The pool on the number of slaps Dylan would receive was won by Ivis. Nobody wanted to go into the restroom after Roy. A note was found in the pate' that said, "Help me, I've lost my liver." The guys watching the football game on the TV soon were induced into a coma...the Colts were playing...they should have known. A "pookie" naming contest was held with the most obvious name going to Mike "mainly" Erroneous for calling his "Mainly"...the most imaginative going to Phil for calling his, "Filler Up"...and the least imaginative going to the Will collective for calling theirs "Will"... Other notable occurrences: PNH had to be rushed to the hospital because so many people huddled around him that his oxygen supply was subsequently cut off. Hawk became so incensed about some silly rumor spreading through the unwashed masses that she had to take it out on someone...so she performed a 63rd trimester abortion on an unsuspecting lurker type. John had to have his foot surgically removed from Dylan. Chad left with a six pack of Coors and a couple of Pacemates under each arm. The fire department had to be called when someone tried to weave flows of butane lighter and toilet paper into fire and succeeded...I'll miss Fridays, I always liked that place. All and all it was an evening of fun a frivolity unequalled in the entire history of history. Or not. Hope to see you at the next gathering. ML