Mountain View (Silicon Valley) DFS - 6/25/00

DARKFRIEND SOCIAL -- "It's a gathering of friends... that's a crime against nature."

If the game The Big Idea from Cheapass Games had cards for "Darkfriend" and "Social", that's probably what they'd say, and it'd be an apt description of the Silicon Valley DFS held Sunday, June 25. Now we just have to see how much funding the startup company attracts and how fast it goes IPO....

The most recent SV DFS began innocently enough at the Tied House (a brewery and restaurant, not a bondage club) in Mountain View, California. Hawk and I arrived at 12:45 with Kenn Cavness after picking him up from his motel. He was having trouble adjusting to the time change between Chicago and San Jose, and his alarm clock was, too. When we arrived at 12:10 PDT to pick him up, he complained that we were already 10 minutes late for the social's 1:00 starting time.

On the drive over to the social, Kenn remarked that Silicon Valley is a lot like Texas... except with the bonuses of better weather and far fewer Texans.

Once at the restaurant, Kenn and I grabbed drinks from the bar and flounced ourselves down at a table near the front door while Hawk fluttered over to an ATM a few blocks away to grab some extra cash. Soon after she returned, Batya, Darkelf, Emma Pease, and Rajesh Vaidya arrived. We waited until 1:30 for our last expected attendee, a lurker, to show up before beginning lunch without him.

Darkelf, Rajesh, and I polished off 2 pitchers of the house's oatmeal stout (after having a pint each of other beers as an appetizer) while the women discussed chick stuff like the Internet and action movies. I confess I wasn't really paying too much attention to that stuff. I was more preoccupied with drinking my beer and teasing Rajesh about his preference for 'hick' bars over upscale establishments such as the Tied House. (Me: "So, Rajesh, how do you determine who's a hick and who isn't? Is a hick any person who knows how to fix his own car?" Rajesh: "Or steals another hicks's car. Converstions usually start with 'So, when did you get out?' Also, it's impossible to feel guilty when hustling pushers in a game of pool.")

Around 3 or 3:30 we adjourned from the Tied House and ambled over to the Double Rainbow for desserts of pie and ice cream. The discussion turned towards matters of international politics, which were really just a cover for us taking potshots at each other's sexual proprieties (or lack thereof).

At 5:00 Rajesh announced that it was 5:00. I added that that meant we needed to start figuring out where we'd be drinking that evening. Hawk made an executive decision to take everyone back to our place to eat, drink, and be merry. Emma took this as a bad omen and fled, although not before flirting with Darkelf and Kenn -- whom she said were teddy-bearish and cherubic, respectively. The other 6 of us retired to Casa de Bill and Hawk (aka Hawk's Eyrie and The Badger's Den) with a stop at a grocery store along the way to ensure we'd have the right supplies for eating, drinking, and making merry.

Upon entering our abode, all guests were introduced to Hawk's hawk, the 3 foot long purple penis, and the size 54DDD Hooters of Doom. Said introductions generally consisted of being beaten about the head and shoulders with said items (including the hawk).

We quickly settled into a game of The Big Idea. It's a game in which the players are venture capitalists creating startup companies, attracting funding for them, and profitting from them when they go IPO. Here are some of the funnier startups and pitches we had:

Mexi-Smokes: all the tar and twice the nicotine, because they're made in Mexico. (Bill)

Beer Lotion (Rajesh).

Perforated Cat: It's a pussy that's full of holes! (Rajesh)

Gigantic Chicken: Now you can have a huge cock. (Darkelf)

Edible Beer: Who says your favorite alcoholic beverage can't be nutritious as well as delicious? It's Edible Beer, the beer that eats like a meal. (Bill)

Moist Chicken: The original slogan, "It's a farm animal that's moist" quickly became "It's a farm animal that's wet-n-ready for you." (Darkelf)

Cheese Laptop: the powerful, portable computer that's also a tasty between-meals snack. (Hawk, who rejected early suggestions from the peanuty gallery to reorder the cards to make Laptop Cheese)

Mentholated Sushi: It's sushi that you can also rub on as a cure for the common cold. (Bill) Stop buying American! (Kenn)

The Unholy Chair: perfect furniture for your den of evil. (Batya)

Finishing the game took several hours, as it was interrupted several times when Kenn and Rajesh went outdoors to have a few smokes. Hawk, Darkelf, and I used these intermissions to wrestle each other onto the living room floor and beat each other about the head with the penis, boobs, and hawk. At one point Hawk was whacking me with her penis and Darkelf was whacking me with the tits, and all I could do was curl up into a fetal ball next to the sofa with my arms protecting my head, shouting "I'm in my happy place! I'm in my happy place!" Batya took pictures. At another point, Hawk threw Kenn to the floor and sodomized him with the three foot long purple schlong. Someone commented, "That's just so wrong," which aptly described many of the things that happened at this DFS.

Batya bailed early on us, but the rest of us stayed around until about 10pm drinking, smoking, listening to music, and clubbing one another with the Genitalia Of Unusual Size. The social ended not with a bang but with a whimper... a tired, post-climactic whimper of another day's frenetic energies spent. I hope we can all get it up again for another social sometime soon.

by Bill Garrett, copyright 2001
garrett (at)
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