From oilcan@wam.umd.edu (Chad R Orzel) 20 Mar 1995 21:14:12 GMT

JORDAN RETURNS TO BASEBALL
The Associated Press
3/19/95

CHICAGO- Robert Jordan today announced his return to a career in
baseball with a terse, two-word statement delivered to the media
via his agent, David Falk:
	"Screw This."
Jordan retires from a profitable career in writing (he is the
author of several New York Times bestselling books), and returns to
the baseball field where he was a .240-hitting shortstop in 1965-6.
After an exhibition game in Tampa, FL this afternoon, he told the
press "Hey, if Oil Can Boyd can come back, so can I." Mr. Boyd
was unavailible for comment.

Asked about his reasons for leaving the writing game, Jordan said
"It was the fans. They drove me _nuts_- pestering me about the plot
of the books, bugging me about the release date for the next book,
asking me filthy questions at booksignings. It was just too much to
take."

Pressed for further comment, Jordan said "I figured that maybe if I
took some time off, played a little ball, stayed out of the
publishing business for a while, these people would invest in lives,
and leave me alone."

Asked if he might, at some point, come out of retirement to finish 
his series of books, Jordan refused to give a concrete answer,
saying "You never know. I'd like to, if they'd just stop pestering
me. Those Internet people were the worst- you just can't understand
how annoying they were. After some time away, maybe."

Asked if Verin is Black, he reflexivly responded "Read and Find Out."
and then became quite agitated, calling the members of the press
"Goat-kissing bloody Trollocs" before leaving the scene in a huff.
Afterwards, the reporter responsible for the question, Texas newsman
D. F. Alexander said "Hey, it was worth a try..." Pressed as to the
meaning of the D. F., Mr. Alexander himself became agitated, and
started to cry.

Reached for comment at his suburban Maryland home, a prominent
member of the Internet group alluded to above refused to comment,
instead trying to engage the reporter in a conversation about
basketball. Other Jordan fans on the Eastern Seaboard reacted with
shock, and dismay, while a Southwestern group suggested that Mr.
Jordan's retirement was all a hoax engineered by "those geeks in 
Washington." Newt Gingrich could not be reached for comment. The
final fan representative contacted for this article refused to give
any statement at all, instead opting to proposition the reporter. 

In a related story, a restraining order was filed against one Roy
Navarre in a Seattle courtroom today...

Later,
OilCan

(Somebody had to do it...)