From: Thomas Faller Subject: Classical Symphonyity Message-ID: <9307202133.AA03424@lll-winken.llnl.gov> Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1993 16:34:19 CDT Dear Skeptics: My last message, before an untimely net-death, was the following. Now, there's nothing as stale as a joke a week past its context, but hopefully, there's only a handful of die-hard users subscribed so far, so the damage will be minimal. Let the Groans begin! ----- Begin Included Message ----- >From tomfal Tue Jul 6 16:48:21 1993 To: SKEPTIC%YORKVM1.BITNET@PSUVM.PSU.EDU Subject: Re: Classical Symphonyity Status: RO Permit me to interject some experimental results into what has been, up to now, a mostly theoretical discussion. Let us turn to the a contemporary of Schrodinger, Dr. Ludwig Schroderberger. A member of the "Lodz" school of quantum physics in the Twenties and Thirties, he often remarked, "We're not very good, but there's Lodz of us!". His classic contribution to physics was the thought-experiment where a cat and a gerbil were placed in a sealed box and bets were placed on the gerbil. Dr. Schrodenbergen's unique insight into the problem showed him that the fate of the gerbil was unknowable under quantum physics (although perfectly obvious under classical physics) unless the gerbil was aware of reverse-time traveling single electrons produced by its future state. This required a crossed-pair symmetry for cross-correlation, so Schrobingnerben removed the cat, replaced the single gerbil with a right-handed gerbil and a left-handed gerbil. Instead of collapsing the probability waveform, it expanded it: the experimental output usually included several litters, some apparently from future experiments. Schraederbader at first expected an infinity of possible mate states, but apparently, this was limited by re-adding the cat to the set-up at some future point. By the 1940's, most of Dr. Schroufenderbem's energy was being devoted to the anti-war effort from his refuge in America. His laboratory was located under a badminton court at the University of Chicago. In his laboratory, he would subject volunteer soldiers to rides in a high-speed spinning chair on an enormous turntable, in order to "align their mental spin-states" and produce a mind receptive to information coming from the future. His plan was to obtain winning Lotto numbers through 1946 and buy Poland back from the Germans. Results were mixed. Schrodergerber was able to pick up radio adventures of Little Orphan Annie up to a week in advance, but success at the big money evaded him. A typical session follows: Dr.S: The turntable is up to speed. Switch on the microphone to the subject. Subject: Laahhh! Ahhh Laahhh Laa Waahhh! Dr.S: Pull your tongue back in. You're drooling on the microphone again! Subject: Yaahhh.. I'm better now. I had to yawn and it fell out, from the centrifugal force. Dr.S: Are you receiving any images? Can you see the future? Relax. Relax. Tell us what you see. Subject: There's an image. I hear a voice.....Babaloo! Babaloo! Dr.S: (aside), Damnit, there it is again! We get that every year we tune to. (to subject) Block that out. Concentrate. Give me a number. Subject: 47 Dr.S: 47? That's it? Try for a bingo number. Subject: 47 Dr.S: Ignore that. Look for other images. Subject: Four more years, four more years... Dr.S: He must be referring to Roosevelt again.. Subject: 2001, 80486, 25 or 6 to 4, Chicago 7, eight-fold way, 7 1/2, 747, OS/2, thirtysomething, U2, three degrees kelvin... Dr.S: Spin him down again, he's starting to babble. (end of transcription) The experimental results were published in the Reader's Digest in 1944, and the twenty-foot wide turntable was eventually used to cook the world's largest pizza in 1952. Despite the apparent failure of his wartime work, he stayed funded by the government throughout the Fifties and Sixties, and was one of the 1972 project, the Super-Near-Collider, in which a accelerated beam of electrons was fired at a stationary nucleus to see which way it would "jump". Schroderboder proved that foreknowledge of the coming electrons at a quantum level would cause most particles to leap out of the way at the last second, unless tied down. This work resulted in the "Crash-Proof" Bumper for automobiles, which used previously "excited" chromium atoms in a "near- paranoid" spin state. Need I add ;-) ? Tom Faller ----- End Included Message -----