THE TWENTY BEST WORST SF MOVIES by Brian Rose [76576,3053] The clock shows 2:46 am. Your eyelids are glued to your forehead. You've counted all the little dots in the ceiling already. One last hope -- the TV guide. You scan through the pages. Lots of one-star movies. What to watch? THIS CAN HAPPEN TO YOU! Or, say you're in the video store, craving something new. Sure, you could see "Empire Strikes Back" for the fortieth time, or you can take a chance on... what? I'm not saying I'm here to solve your sleeping problems. I'm not even here to tell you what are good movies and bad movies. All I'm saying here is that these movies -- all guaranteed one-star movies, if that -- are some of the best of the worst movies ever made. Some are comedies, some came out that way with no help from the makers. Some you wonder who gave up the money to make, some are serious movies gone astray. All are worth watching (at least once, so you can say you did). In no particular order: PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE (59) -- directed by the amazing Ed Woods Jr. What can be said that hasn't already? Michael Weldon says in"The Psychotronic Guide to Film", "...not actually the worst film ever made, but it's the most entertaining one you'll find". Leonard Maltin writes, "Hailed as the worst movie ever made; certainly one of the funniest". Bit parts by Tor Johnson, Vampira, and Bela himself. Everyone knows by now the story of Bela Lugosi dying two days into the filming. In fact, the only whole scene left of Bela shows him crying at his wife's funeral (doctors probably told him of his health; they were tears of joy at getting out of the film). Director Woods got his wife's doctor to fill in, even though he was a good foot taller than Lugosi. No problem. He held his vampire cape over his face and never said a word. The acting was poor, the dialogue ludicrous. The sets were slapped together; you could see the cockpit of a plane was a shower curtain over a door frame, the cemetary was inside (the floor was visible around the "grass"), the control panels rows of lights. As John Candy said in IT CAME FROM HOLLYWOOD, "you can almost not see those wires" on the pie tin flying saucers. Aliens try to take over the world by resurrecting the dead. Tor, Bela, and Vampira all are called up. Criswell the hypnotist is the narrator. He says it's "all based on sworn testimony". Like the Salem witch trials, I'll bet. CLASSIC STUFF! ROBOT MONSTER (53) -- directed by Phil Tucker. Right up there with P9 (^) is this classic cheapie, and I do mean cheeeeep. The title monster is a gorilla suit with a cardboard diving helmet. He can't figure out how a group of humans escaped global genocide from his "calcinator death ray". He gets the word from his boss on a shortwave radio that makes bubbles when operating. Gregory Moffet, George Nadar (king of this kind of thing), Claudia Barrett, and Selena Royle round out the riveting cast. Made in four days for under $20,000. Welan says "Movies don't come any better", but he's a sickie. MORE CLASSIC STUFF! ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOS (78) -- directed by John DeBello. I know, I know. Most people I've talked to thought this was incredibly boring. Well, that's why we're here, right? Most people were expecting satire on the level of "Airplane". Some of the best lines in moviedom, including bad lib-synced Japanese scientists, an advertising firm that compares killer tomato plants with nuclear plants ("Nuclear plants aren't tasty!"), the best black disguise man around (Washington and Hitler, as well as a tomato), and a gung-ho Rambo precursor who chases an assassin (who shot six people from a mile away with his revolver) across town on foot, trailing his parachute. A Jaws-like scene with tomatos is a scream. The helicopter crash is real. Don't let them talk you out of it! FROZEN DEAD, THE (67) -- directed by Herbert J. Leder. Dana Andrews is a Nazi experimenting with suspended animation at the end of WWII. He freezes some of the young Nazi fanatics and keeps them in his walk-in freezer. He tries to revive them in '67, but their brains are dead. Probably read some of the dialogue. A girl gets her head chopped off and saved, but she saves the day by developing telepathy to warn the good guys. She also animates an arm hanging on the wall to strangle the Nazis. Some of the most ludicrous dialogue and bad acting around (Dana as a Nazi is a knee-slapper). Always on television. Watch for it. GREEN SLIME, THE (68) -- directed by Kinji Fukasaku. Robert Horton, Richard Jaeckel, and Luciana Paluzzi fight the title goo in a space station. Not even on the same scale as other Japanese sf movies, and that's saying something. The one-eyed monsters looked like someone dropped a bowl of cold oatmeal on a midget holding a beach ball. Shooting them only made them multiply (but not act any better). American hacks writing and producing, Japanese hacks directing and special-effecting...what could be better? A must see, all over the tube. ASTRO ZOMBIES (68) -- directed by Ted V. Mikels. John Carradine, who should know better but often doesn't, is a typical mad scientist puttering around with zombies (the worst; actors in skeleton masks). Foreign agents are after his work, though God only knows why. They're led by 50's sex-and- B-movie symbol Tura Santana. Wendall Corey, as the CIA man, gets in their way. Wayne Rodgers (of M*A*S*H) co-wrote and produced this cutie, but try and ask him about a sequel now. BRAIN FROM PLANET AROUS (58) -- directed by Nathan Hertz (Juran). Welan calls it "The ultimate John Agar film!" Who am I to argue? A floating, giant brain with eyes called Gor takes over Agar's mind. He destroys an airplane by staring and laughing. A good-guy brain (good-brain?) named Vol takes over Agar's dog. Good choice, as he got the one with the most acting ability. Agar's girlfriend attacks the evil brain with an axe when it isn't thinking. Something about a giant brain materializing in a room gave me nightmares for years. Maybe it was the acting. The director also did HELLCATS OF THE NAVY (with Ronald Reagan), and actually tells people that. DESTROY ALL MONSTERS (68) -- directed by Inoshiro Honda. If you've seen one Japanese monster movie, you've seen them all, right? True, if it was this one. The twentith anniversary of Toho Studios was celebrated by the biggest monster fight of all time. Aliens from Kilaak control the monsters from the Moon. Starring Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan, Manda (snake from ATRAGON), Angurus (title monster from GODZILLA VS. THE FIRE MONSTER), Baragon (from FRANKENSTEIN CONQUERS THE WORLD), Spigas (spider from SON OF GODZILLA), and the ever-popular Ghidrah (MONSTER ZERO). Plus some people, too, I think. Crush, crumble and chomp! MESA OF LOST WOMEN (52) -- directed by Herbert Tevos & Ron Damond. Mad scientist Jackie Coogan (Uncle Fester, here with hair and glasses) creates superwomen in the desert. Features the best lobotomized scientist in film, who leads Allan Nixon to the shindig. Lots of women with 50's style breasts from every Z-picture around. Giant tarantulas, too. You've heard the music in lots of pictures since. Kind of hard to wade through, although the voice over narration is a true scream. Tandra Quinn is great as the head Lost Woman. My wife objects to this being here, as she says it's a really good movie, but look at her taste in men. HORROR OF PARTY BEACH (64) -- directed by Del Tenney. Surfers meet monsters. Great music in what was billed as the first horror monster musical. Skulls in the ocean (Jimmy Hoffa's, no doubt) get a radioactive bath, and turn into monsters with good taste in women. They all go after the bikini-clad ones with the big breasts. The best part is the newspaper headlines that keep you informed in case you dropped off for part of it. Sodium kills them, so be sure to pack some for your next beach BBQ. PROPHESY (79) -- directed by John Frankenheimer. Sounded like magic to the studio. David Seltzer comes off his big hit (THE OMEN) to write a horror story with environmental and Indian rights overtones, to star the new hit Talia Shire (ROCKY). It had Robert Foxworth and Armand Assante duking it out for brooding male lead. Couldn't miss, right? The results are hilarious. Mutant Bears, from mercury posioning no less, are tearing up the Northwest. Pregnant cellist Shire and doctor Foxworth are smack in the middle. Assante is an Indian activist. Chief Dan George smokes until his fingers burn. Shire and Foxworth find a baby mutant bear. Includes one of the best scenes in movies, in which a sheriff pokes his head out of a hole to see if mama mutant bear is still around. She is. Logging companies are to blame (for the bears, not the script). MOLE PEOPLE, THE (56) -- directed by Virgil Vogel. Introduced by Dr. Frank Baxter, of early TV documentaries, this movie is great more for the cast than anything. Wonderful John Agar and perfect father Hugh Beaumont (before the Beaver) shinny down a hole in Asia. Guess what they find -- not one, but two underground races. The bad guys are the albinos, the good guys are the title moles. John falls in love (of course) with an albino. Alan Napier (Alfred of BATMAN fame) is a Sumerian. Sword fights, too. All the fun of a 50's comic book (which it later became). NAVY VS. THE NIGHT MONSTERS (66) -- directed by Micheal Hoey. Acid-based plants attack a South Pole Navy base. They heat things up for growth reasons (and so the producer wouldn't have to pay for fake snow). The cast is all first-rate (for this kind of thing) -- Mamie Van Doren, Anthony Eisley (from DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN), Pamela Mason, Bill Gray (Bud on FATHER KNOWS BEST), Russ Bender (who must have made 300 movies in the 50's), and "the multi-talented (and dead) Bobby Van" (from Welan). Hoey also wrote this, and probably put up the money, too, as this is inane even by 50's standards. Plants walk, spit acid (later used much more effectivly in DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS), and eat flesh. They especially had a taste for B-movie queens. Welan also calls it "a top must-see feature". It is. RADAR MEN FROM THE MOON/ZOMBIES OF THE STRATOSPHERE (51 & 52) -- directed by Frank C. Brannon. Republic will always be known as the serial company, and these are two of the best reasons. Brannon resurrected some good flying sequences and the flying suit with the famous bullet-shaped helmet from his KING OF THE ROCKETMEN (49) serial and gave them to Commando Cody, Sky Marshall of the Universe (George Wallace in RADAR MEN, Judd Holdren in ZOMBIES). The first serial after FLASH GORDON to be set in space. Cody goes to the Moon in the first to stop aliens from taking over Earth with an atomic gun (everything was atomic in these days). Clayton Moore (he of Lone Ranger fame) is a bad guy. The same fight scene is used thoughout. The second had aliens secretly invading Earth. One of the hooded creeps is Leonard Nimoy (his greatest role?). Everything in these serials was from something else. Republic was big on recycling. Holdren was Cody on TV. IT CONQUERED THE WORLD/ZONTAR, THING FROM VENUS (56 & 66) -- IT directed by Roger Corman, ZONTAR directed by Larry Buchanan. IT was Roger Corman's second sf movie, and you can see why he occupies the lofty spot he has today. The monster is a giant radish with arms and teeth. Lee Van Cleef is the monster's stooge on Earth. It takes over people with bats that bite their heads. Peter Graves is the hero. He kills his wife when she is taken over. Van Cleef's wife is killed by the monster, so he attacks it with a blow torch. Apparently, Venusians never developed a resistance to that. Russ Bender, Dick Miller, and Charles B. Griffith round out the cast. ZONTAR was a remake, without the giant vegetable. He was a scaly rubber suit. Still had those bats, though. John Agar was the hero in this one, fighting Anthony Huston as the traitor. Laser gun fire was done by turning the film negative. Some historic dialogue. Catch either one. SCANNERS (81) -- directed by David Cronenberg. Newest movie on this list (studios can't make the B-movies like they once did). Bad-guy telepath Michael Ironside (the hit man in TV's "V" and Overdog in SPACEHUNTER) is collecting up others like him to take over. Seems he was "invented" by Patrick McGoohan (with a beard) with a drug given to pregnant women. Sounds not-so-unlikely now. Stephan Lack is the good guy bum with the power McGoohan sends to infiltrate the scanners. The scanners are actually treated rather well here, with Lack frying some poor woman in the beginning because she was thinking bad thoughts about him and he couldn't help himself. Ironside drilled a hole in his head to "let the voices out". He also makes a head explode in a great scene. Lack and Ironside get into it at the end. Special effects by Dick Smith (THE EXORCIST). Cronenberg has a whole section in "Coming Soon", a book about exploitation movies. He did VIDEODROME (another pretty amazing movie) next. VALLEY OF THE GWANGI (69) -- directed by James O'Connolly. Someone at Warner got the idea that cowboys vs. dinosaurs would be great. Actually, the story was written by Willis O'Brien (the father of stop-motion animation who did KING KONG). He took some scenes originally planned for KONG and later written out. The studio went whole hog on the effects, getting Ray Harryhausen to do the monsters. Great scenes include fights between dinosaurs, cowboys roping Gwangi, the monster fighting an elephant and wrecking a church. Welan calls it "one of THE BEST animated movies ever..." Gila Golen owns the wild west circus that captures Gwangi for its show. James Franciscus is the love interest. Richard Carlson (you'll recognize him) is the spurned lover. Produced by Charles Schneer, Harryhausen's producer for the Sinbad and Jason movies. Wonderful stuff. ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS (57) -- directed by Roger Corman. Only one crab here, but it's a doozy. Atomic mutation (isn't it always) causes the crab to grow and grow. It eats the heads off scientists stranded on the proverbial desert island. In a great twist, it sucks up their knowledge and uses their voices! Great crab work, if you overlook the feet sticking out from the bottom. Big, non-crab eyes, too. Hearing the crab talk makes it all worthwhile. Richard Garland, Pamela Duncan, and Russell Johnson (the Professor in "Gilligan's Island") fight the thing. One of the shortest movies made (64 minutes), but no one was paying Corman big bucks for this kind of thing. INVASION OF THE SAUCER MEN/THE EYE CREATURES (57 & 65) -- SAUCER MEN directed by Edward L. Cahn, EYE CREATURES directed by Larry Buchanan. Teen thrills and monsters. In both movies, aliens land and inject people with alchohol from their fingernails. They get drunk and die. No one believes the kids who see this, because they're drunk, too. Frank Gorshin (the Riddler) and Lyn Osborne are con men who do believe, and get theirs. Aliens by Paul Blaisdell (creator of the giant beet in IT CONQUERED THE WORLD, above). With a great bit on one of the aliens' hands getting cut off, growing an eye, and slashing tires. Russ Bender is the sheriff. EYE CREATURES is a TV remake with giant aliens and John Ashley as the hero. This movie, with almost exactly the same dialogue, has caused more flashbacks in drugged-out people watching late at night than any other. Lights do the aliens in, so the local youths gather their hot rods together and beam the monsters down with their headlights. The oldsters then realize that there is a place for kids and cars. Pretty fun stuff, and the teens- aware-of-the-danger-but-no-one-will-listen-to-them-cause-they're-punks theme would be used later two years later in the much more popular BLOB. This list is by no means complete, but it was the best twenty I thought of. If you have a movie that you think meets these stringent qualifications, or just want to comment or criticize, please let me know. I love this kind of thing, and would certainly like to talk to others who feel (or don't feel) the same. Future articles I'm working on include the REAL best of the B-movies, the kind of thing you will want to catch if you haven't already, and the most over-rated movies around (I guarantee some of these will get me lots of flack from irate movielovers). RECOMMENDED READING -- I refer a lot to one of the best books around for sf, horror, and fantasy fans, entitled "THE PSYCHOTRONIC ENCYCLOPEDIA OF FILM" (Michael Weldon, 1983 Ballantine). This book includes blurbs about movies of all types; as Weldon states in the intro, "Psychotronic films range from sincere social commentary to degrading trash. They concern teenagers, rock'n'roll, juvenile delinquents, monsters, aliens, killers, spies, detectives, bikers, communists, drugs, natural catastrophes, atomic bombs, the prehistoric past, and the projected future. They star ex-models,ex-sport stars, would-be Marilyns, future Presidents (and First Ladies), dead rock stars, and has-beens of all types." Ah, my kind of book. This is simply the best book in the world for this kind of trash and you should have it, especially if you've gone this far in this. Other books I use are: -Brooks, Tim and Earl Marsh. "THE COMPLETE DIRECTORY TO PRIME TIME NETWORK TV SHOWS". Ballantine 1981. (A newer version is out now) -Maltin, Leonard "LEONARD MALTIN'S TV MOVIES AND VIDEO GUIDE". New American Library 1987. (Not much on each film, but a good work to refer to for credit info, which I love) -Halliwell, Leslie "HALLIWELL'S FILM GUIDE" Scribners 1981 (second edition). (He's up to the fifth edition, now, and I'm about to go out and get it. Consistant format with the most complete credit info. Also, bits from reviews of the time of the movie, a real good source of info about how the movie was viewed then). I also have a slew of horror movie books that I use on and off. The PSYCHOTRONIC has a good bibliography for some of these, and those books probably have others listed. Look around and you'll find them.