Dear "Mother and Dad,"

  It has now been three months since I left for University. I am very
sorry that I haven't got around to writing yet, but there has been a lot
going on - Uni is such an intense place. I will bring you up-to-date
now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any
further unless you are sitting down .... Okay???

  Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and
the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my hostel (when
it caught fire shortly after my arrival) are pretty well healed now. I
only spent three weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally
and only get three headaches a day.

  Fortunately the fire in the hostel and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at the petrol station near the hostel and he was the one who
called the Fire Department and the Ambulance (am I covered by your
insurance?  Even if there was a possibility that the accident was, in
part, attributable to my actions?). He also visited me at the hospital,
and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out hostel, he was
kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a
basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very nice boy and we have
fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set
the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
(My physics professor was a bit crushed at first, but we've agreed that
we can still be good friends.)

  Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking
forward to being Grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and
give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I
was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my
boyfriend needs to find a new job after being let go from the petrol
station. It was so unfair - after all, smoking that stuff doesn't hurt
anybody. Anyway, finding a new job is proving quite difficult, it is
very hard to find work when you have several convictions - people can be
so prejudiced.

  I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind
and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a
different race and religion than ours, I know your expressed tolerance
will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his English is not
yet quite fluent or understandable. Anyway, I am sure you will love him
as I do. His family background is good too. His father is a businessman
with many supporters. These supporters seem convinced that a change in
the laws of their country is imminent and will mean that gun trafficking
is legal, thereby fully vindicating him.

  Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there
was NOfire... I did NOT have a concussion or skull fracture... I was NOT
in the hospital... I am NOT pregnant... I am NOT engaged... and there
are NO drugs or men in my life...

  However, I am getting a "D" in Art History and an "F" in Chemistry. I
just wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.

  Your loving daughter,

  Ann