WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN -- A CONTINUING SERIES "I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white." "It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?" "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling. "Good idea." Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating." "Have you lost weight?" Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill." "My wife doesn't understand me." Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them." "It would take too long to explain." Really means.... "I have no idea how it works." "I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead." "I got a lot done." Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture." "We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "You cook just like my mother used to." Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too." "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "That's interesting, dear." Really means.... "Are you still talking?" "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again." "You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." "I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?" "I don't need to read the instructions." Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help." "I broke up with her." Really means.... "She dumped me."