Subject: tabloid ad parody

From: [email-masked] (David Danzig)
Date: Wed, 1 Jun 2005 19:20:03 PDT

I wrote this and submitted it to my school's humor magazine (Punch
Bowl), where it was published.  I thought I'd share it with the net.  It
is a parody of tabloid newspaper advertisements.  Enjoy

--David

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

      ADVERTISEMENT          ADVERTISEMENT          ADVERTISEMENT

Hi!  My name is David Danzig!  Not long ago, I was penniless!  I had no
friends!  I had nothing to live for!  I had climbed to the roof of a
very tall building in scenic downtown Philadelphia, and was about to do
myself in, when I discovered the AMAZING SECRET that CHANGED MY LIFE!!

Today, I am one of the world's richest men!  I am internationally
celebrated as one of the world's most popular human beings!  I live an
exciting, fulfilling life, AND ALL BECAUSE OF MY AMAZING SECRET!!!!!!!!!!

Just what is this amazing secret?  I swore to myself that I would never
reveal the source of my INCREDIBLE SECRET, but I can share the secret
with you.  Since I am so FANTASTICALLY rich, I can give you my
WONDERFUL secret ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why would I make this offer?  When you see how REMARKABLE and AMAZING
this FREE secret is, I am confident that you will feel indebted to me,
and volunteer gifts!  If not, then keep the secret with no obligation!
It's that easy!!!  You have NOTHING to lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just look what people have written about this AMAZING secret!

I am AMAZED and ASTOUNDED by your secret!  --John P., Philadelphia, PA

Your secret is simply INCREDIBLE!  --Roger S., Durham, NC

Your AMAZING secret TURNED MY LIFE AROUND!!!!  --Bryan S., Berkeley, CA

Your secret is so AMAZING and ASTOUNDING, why, it OUGHT TO BE ILLEGAL
to be as well off as I am.  I'm RECOMMENDING your FABULOUS secret to
everyone I know.  --Stella J., Ithaca, NY

The results of our INVESTIGATION have determined that your activities
ARE ILLEGAL.  Your secret is WORTHLESS, and your advertisements
constitute FRAUD.  --Jason P., Postal Inspector's Office, Washington,
D.C.

CRIMINAL CHARGES will be PRESSED against you under Pennsylvania Statute
417.02.  You are ordered to appear with counsel on February 17.
--Albert R., State Attorney General's Office, Harrisburg, PA

To order this EXCITING, FREE 20 page booklet about this ASTOUNDING
secret, simply send this coupon with $19.95 to defray postage and
handling to:
          David Danzig #204941
          Box 244
          Graterford, PA 19426

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{osquare} YES, I MUST know this AMAZING secret!  PLEASE send me ___
copies of your FREE booklet.  Enclosed is $19.95 per copy for P&H!!!  I
can't wait until I get it!  I hope it comes SOON, but I KNOW that I
MUST allow THREE to SIX weeks for delivery!  I hereby WAIVE any RIGHTS
to LEGAL RECOURSE that I may have!  I give my WARMEST PERSONAL REGARDS
to MR.  DANZIG and to his FAMILY AND FRIENDS, and VOICE my DESIRE to
someday be one of those friends.
NAME: _{hfill}_
ADDRESS: _{hfill}_
CITY: _{hfill}_
STATE: _{hfill}_
ZIP: _{hfill}_

--
From the RHF archives as selected by Brad Templeton, Maddi Hausmann and
Jim Griffith.  This newsgroup posts former jokes from the newsgroup
rec.humor.funny.

Web users, you can read a random joke from the archives just by bookmarking 
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