[Taken, initially without attribution, from a Dave Barry column.]


                            READ THIS FIRST

                            ===============

    Congratulations. You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
    give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
    will undoubtly destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
    maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
    OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY
    UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
    IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
    WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
    SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
    RIGHT?  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY
    BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, DO YOU KNOW THAT?

    We're sorry.  We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always
    getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the
    consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days.  So, in
    writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull
    is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it.  OK? Now let's
    talk about:

    1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE.  The device is encased in foam to protect it
    from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears
    into outgoing boxes.  PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES
    OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND
    SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.  Ida Mae really
    wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and
    her fiancee, Stuart, it now seriously considering backing out on the
    whole thing inasmuch as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam
    in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question.  It is not
    without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our
    drift.

    WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY
    OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.
    If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing
    one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling
    manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern
    Europe.

    Besides the device, the box should contain:

      * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"

      * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
        and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

    YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

    IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
    spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
    that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without
    a major transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's why."

         WARNING: The previous step assumes that your spouse's name
                  is Margaret.

    2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE: The plug on this device represents the latest
    thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a
    continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical
    current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged
    Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other.  Your device
    is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of
    Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN.
    Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight,
    and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

         WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD
                  A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD
                  AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

    3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE:

         WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE
                  ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE AND SOME OF
                  THE DIRECTIONS ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN AND ASSEMBLED
                  IN BORNEO.

    INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising
    that:  NEVER to hold these buttons two times.  Except the battery.
    Next taking the honorable earth section may cause a large occurrence.
    However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very
    maintainence action, as a kindly sandaxle virepoint from Drawing B.

    4. WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not
    excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against
    all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and
    the time that they occur, during which time the Manufacturer will
    will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People,
    who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse
    it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer
    case.