Headers for cached page www.swcp.com/~jimhill/quotes/insults.html:
HTTP/1.1 200 OK
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 09:32:28 GMT
Server: Stronghold/2.3 Apache/1.2.6 C2NetUS/2010
Last-Modified: Thu, 13 May 1999 06:34:15 GMT
ETag: "2b165-5399-373a7267"
Content-Length: 21401
Accept-Ranges: bytes
Connection: close
Content-Type: text/html

Insults I Have Seen and Loved

:Yep, the poverty and the inbreeding do give the Appalachians a certain je ne sais quoi.

May I say, without fear of contradiction, that your command of the loftiest of all Romance languages is, well, c'est magnifique. Such a command, in conjunction with as distinguished an address as the Graduate School of Business at Stanford University, would inevitably lead one to the inescapable conclusion that you have doubtless pored over the writings of Descartes. Your post is a fait accompli with respect to the dualistic dilemma that dogged Descartes for many years. Incredibly, you have, in a mere 16 words, infinitely transcended the means by which two such different substances as mind and body can affect each other, and irrefutably proven that the latter can, and in your case does, exist totally and completely independent of the former. -- Mark Meadows

"I'm rather proud of being a smarmy, Ivy League prick, because that means that one day I will literally own you and you'll have to lick the ground I walk on." -- Peter M. Ullman
"Looking for connections (between the TWA 800 crash and the Olympic bombing) seems about as goofy as wondering if the Little Leaguer who just broke your window is the same guy who threw a no-hitter at Yankee Stadium last week." -- Claudia Sorsby
"It's a tough old fuckin' world out there, and if your self-image is based on how much respect you receive from me, you'd better just stick your head in the oven right now." -- Vinnie Jordan
"Look up sic in your dictionary. Mine is Webster's Ninth. It means, literally, so as written" -- TruskiDo "Don't even think of suggesting that you were using sic in its English sense. You were the one who used the word Latin. Hic, haec, hoc. Sic, saec, suck me." -- Bod
"Go douche with Drano, you numb twat. It's because of stupid, hyperemotional quiffs like you that there's such a thing as a glass ceiling." -- Geoff Miller
"Rap is to music like Etch-a-Sketch is to art." -- Darren Handler
Visualize World Peace... Good. Now wake up and smell the coffee. -- Bill Berbenich
"I regard the derision of fools as a feather in my cap". -- Theodore A. Kaldis
One violation is rude; repeated violations are best dealt with by knocking the front teeth down the esophagus -- nurturingly, of course. -- Clay Bond
Mark Twain was at a dinner party where he gave one of his customary after-dinner speeches. When he had finished a prominent lawyer stood up, shoved his hands in his pockets and said "Doesn't it strike this company as unusual that a professional humorist should be so funny?" Mark Twain came back with "Doesn't it strike this company as unusual that a lawyer should have both hands in his own pockets?"
Those who think elitism a bad thing merely idolize their being in the low end of the gene pool. -- Clay Bond
"There are times, after all, when the appropriate reply is something along the lines of, "You are being petty and unreasonable, and if you don't stop whining very soon, you're going to get a size ten flight boot straight up the keister. Now shaddup and get back in your hole before we turn the water cannons on you." -- Geoff Miller
"Go put on your hobbit costume and chase magyk bunnies." -- Richard Sexton
"People like you don't grow on trees. They swing from them."
"I've upped my standards, now up yours!" -- Pat Paulsen
I'd really like to know. If there's anyone on the net who does this, I'd appreciate an answer, and I promise to try not to be too judgmental, even though it's obvious that you're a toadfucking smegmahead with the powers of observation of a sea cucumber and the reasoning powers of a lichen. -- Scott Fisher
"I am not criticizing you. I'm making fun of you. I'm doing it out of malice, little geek." -- Oleg Kiselev
These are nature's warning signs. The call of an animal gives you a clue as to what kind of animal you are dealing with. WHen someone uses the term "postmodern" you must Run Away. Else, you will be subjected to hours of someone whining and complaining about "society". The truth of the matter is that this concave chested esthete has, once again, struck out with the cute blond (man or woman) who has a great ass in spandex. -- booter
I'll bet things would sound vastly different if you wiped the rectal polyps out of your ears. -- Scott
"If brains were gasoline some people wouldn't have enough to drive a moped once around a cheerio." -- Tom Megessy
Cochran's Conjecture: 85% of the people in the world are brain-dead. -- Dave Cochran
"Come, let us retract the foreskin of misconception and apply the wire brush of enlightenment." -- Geoff Miller
"Now run along and have a wank. We have matters of great import to discuss here, and you'd only become frightfully confused." -- Geoff Miller
I'll say one thing for you, Mary: you've got a lot of spunk. I like to think of it dripping off your chin. -- Geoff Miller
So which phase are we in? Examine the feeble-minded Newfies. Consider the warm-hearted pinkos of neutered, neutral Scandinavia. Study the pencil-necked oil geologists of bug-ridden Alaska. Wiretap the plaintive cries of the idealistic Siberian dissident. Contemplate every mugshot in this rogues' gallery of human degeneracy, and then show us your visions of the Rampaging Nordic Archetype. -- Dan Sorenson
"And for myself, I hope I've made it clear that my dislike for postmodern things has very little to do with the word postmodern. I dislike them because I have found these people to be either brainless misanthropes or smug narrow-minded intellectual masturbators and artistic prostitutes." -- Steve Bougerolle
"Actually, what I discovered was that alt.postmodern was occupied by people who were so trendy that everything was already passe'. A newly conceived fetus was already elderly, a musician at her debut was already past her prime, postmodern is already out of style and when one dweeb says that post-post-mumblefoo-modern is now in vogue, some other black clad clove cigarette smoking geek insists it is a dead movement because someone mentioned its existence." -- booter
It's good to see that we're back to the best part of the group: pointless and nasty attacks on fuckheads. -- Russ Kepler
The funny thing is, I agree with you. I'm just taking pokes at you for amusement. Watching you attempt to string ideas together and defend yourself is like watching the relay race at the special olympics. -- Jeffie
"The current number of Germans is not a long term concern since they have such a low a birth rate. This means that the population is shrinking. There are many factors that might account for this, the most persuasive explanation however is that the Germans have forgotten how to bonk." -- HALLAM%ZWS016@vxdesy.desy.de
"Liberace was a great piano player, but he sucked on the organ." -- Mike Oxbig
"You're really taking this on the chin, Don. Maybe you should try opening you mouth wider." -- drew
"Americans are the only people in the world known to me whose status anxiety prompts them to advertise their college and university affiliations in the rear window of their automobiles." -- Paul Fussell
"an advocate of censorship so odious that she managed to make thrash-metal bands look like virtuous guardians of our consitutional freedoms." about Tipper Gore : Eric S Raymond (eric@snark.thyrsus.com) -- c/o Paul E. Ford
"Or maybe your head is so far up your ass that the goo you comb from your hair won't be shit for three days." -- drew
"Next time, grab it, put it in your mouth, and start humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic. That should do the trick." -- mbur@nyx.cs.du.edu
"In short, Socrates seems to be the philosophical napkin with which the ensuing cultural thinkers of history wipe their mouths of pedantic ooze."
Abecedarian insult: "Sir, you are an apogenous, bovaristic, coprolalial, dasypygal, excerebrose, facinorous, gnathonic, hircine, ithyphallic, umentous, kyphotic, labrose, mephitic, napiform, oligophrenial, papuliferous, quisquilian, rebarbative, saponaceous, thersitical, unguinous, ventripotent, wlatsome, xyloocephalous, yirning, zoophyte!" -Peter Bowler
"Duh. Your argument is brilliant, for very small values of brilliant." -- Andy Banta
"... the tact of a horny bulldog on an undefended thigh." -- Scott M. Hampton
"It would normally be at this point that I recommend you catch a clue, but I think you'd have more luck playing pick-up sticks with your buttcheeks than accomplishing the aforementioned task." -- Andy Banta
"What is the world coming to when we ignore the opportunities to remove idiots from our surroundings?" -- Dan Sorenson
"I mean, who the fuck cares if we know where Europe is? The whole goddamn _point_ of this country is that we don't _have_ to know where Europe is. We don't even need to fucking _care_." -- Curtis Yarvin
"It's hard to tell Canadians apart from really boring white people, unless they're dressed up to go outside." -- National Lampoon: "Foreigners and How They Got There."
Q: What did the academic say to the art major? A: "I'll take a big mac and fries." -- Robert Stephen Rodgers
"Your rant about how others treat their pets showed that you have the typical undergraduate trait of being half-assed at full intensity. That you got yourself beat up once by a bunch of cat torturers showed that your heart is in the right place, but your head is squarely up your butt." -- Jeff Zurschmeide
"It was big hair. It was scary hair. It was 1970s disco hair!" -- Booter
"Ol' Amadeus was a hack, he should be considered the Duran Duran of his day. With the exception of K622 "Clarinet Concerto" and K626 "Requiem", all his music had the emotional depth of some diet Sprite- drinking, VW Cabriolet driving blonde nymphet wishing you will 'Have a nice day'." -- Chris Pikus
"Others have received my frank opinion of their work. Sorry if it felt like all you received was my frank." -- Andy Banta
"The world, quite simply, is my urinal. You've placed yourself in the dubious position of self-styled deoderant cake, and you can't understand why you keep getting pissed on." -- Geoff Miller
"You'd better watch your step, otherwise I'll use this plunger on your face until you burp shit." -- Andy Banta
"Apparently you know not when to choose "abort" versus "send" when you have nothing of consequence to deliver. Your mother, methinks, had the same problem." -- Graham Johnson
"now trundle along. there are standards to be maintained here, and you fall several dick-lengths short of the bottom of the scale." -- Alex Vrchoticky
"There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're talking about." -- John von Neumann
"Now go home and shave your nipples." -- Andy Banta
"By God, Mr. Chairman, at this moment I stand astonished at my own moderation!" -- Baron Robert Clive of Plassey
"Universal Time Coordinate sounds like something that a booger-eating Trekkie thought up. God, I hate those bastards." -- Dan Hillman
"The alternative is that you are one of the millions of lazy, unrepentant, smug simpletons whose existance cannot be justified by the only measure that matters: quality." -- Scott Hampton
"This thread is a riot. It really brings the dewy-eyed innocents out of the tall grass, where they can be picked off at leisure. -- Tim Scott
"I hear you, Mathew, and I understand your grief. It's times like this one must imagine life has turned against them and wonder where they've failed to fit into the grand plan of happiness. Just because no one sent you a valentine doesn't mean necessarily you are doomed to drift forever alone, friendless, in a dark meaningless void of existence, to expire in a bed of solitary despair, your rat-gnawed remains to be found years later and tossed without ceremony into an unmarked grave. But it probably does. No one loves you, Mathew. No one even likes you. You're a bad person. " -- Dan Hillman
"If airing Yogi Bear cartoons (as Ted Turner planned to do) is a threat to French culture, then French culture is more pathetic than anyone imagined." -- The Economist
"I do not suggest that you should not have an open mind .. but don't keep your mind so open that your brains fall out." -- William Bennett
"The TV business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs" -- Hunter S. Thompson
"Distinguishing between political parties on a basis of their respect for rights is rather like distinguishing between motorcycle gangs on a basis of their taste in beer." -- Doug S. Caprette
"It is as useless to argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason as to administer medication to the dead." -- Thomas Jefferson
"NPR lost its roots, and descended completely into a sort of new-age university-marxist multicultural fog, about the same time the Soviet Union collapsed. But there wasn't any reason to listen to NPR before the collapse, either, as Radio Moscow used to have fresher versions of the same stories." -- Howard Motteler
"Personally, the only reason that I use excretory imagery in a figurative sense when addressing someone is that the engineers have yet to come up with an effective means of forcing a turd through an ethernet socket." -- Dave Garrett
"Since you entered this discussion half-cocked and half-assed, please feel free to leave, now, half-buttfucked." -- Andy Banta
"I knew Larry was a gentleman when I saw him move the dirty dishes aside before pissing in the sink." -- Brian Scearce
"Do you have genuine shit in your head or just dirt clods? In your part of the socio-political spectrum, having genuine shit would probably be considered insensitive to Feco-Americans." -- Jeff Zurschmeide
"Courtesy is how we got civilized. The blind assertion of rights is what threatens to decivilize us. Everybody's got lots of rights that are set out legally. Responsibilities are not enumerated, for good reason, but they are set into the social fabric. Is it such a sacrifice to not be an asshole?" -- Jenny Smith
"The only acceptable substitute for intelligence is silence." -- Deirdre Sholto-Douglas
"This isn't a fair fight...and short of arming you with a brain, I can't see any way to even the odds." -- Deirdre Sholto-Douglas
"If I could save time in a bottle, I certainly wouldn't be drinking this Zima shit." -- Rob Furr
"Just for fun, watch an oldie getting out of a car and think of the scene in Alien when the critter comes out of the wall of the escape pod." -- Jim Hill
"People who buy Macs today are the same people who said Beta is better than the VHS 15 years ago." -- godless@netcom.com
"Ultimately it is the yearning to believe that anyone can be brought up to college level that has brought colleges down to everyone's level." -- William A. Henry, _In Defense of Elitism_
"Please stop telling us that you live in Peoria. It makes it very hard to take the remainder of the post seriously." -- Nils Nieuwejaar
"You speak as if Des Moines was outside of the cultural mainstream." -- Don Baldwin
"This is what a student says, 'Oh, those frat boys with their after shave and gang rapes--they don't impress me.'" -- Michele
"Every corner of the human race may have something to contribute. That does not mean that all contributions are equal...It is scarcely the same thing to put a man on the moon as to put a bone in your nose." --William A. Henry, _In Defense of Elitism_
"Now, I think it should be fairly obvious when I referred to Mikey [Steiner] as a "cocksucker", it wasn't intended as a term of affection, endearment, or respect. On the contrary, what I had in mind was more along the lines of Mikey on his knees, arms bound behind his back, hot tears of shame coursing down his swollen, reddened face, eyes bulging and gagging sounds emanating from his cake-hole as he gasps for breath in vain against the further intrusion of my thick, fleshy member into his tortured throat. But, alas, no relief is forthcoming, for as I finally pull out, and Mikey desperately hopes that his bruised larynx is about to gain some much-needed relief, I cruelly shatter his feeble hopes by hosing down his raw uvula with a scalding torrent of thick, smelly ManChowder." -- David Garrett in alt.(mumble)
"I have never met such a group of sociopathic misfits in my life as the group who hangs out on alt.(mumble)." -- Mike Steiner
"You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance." - Edward Flaherty
"Along with the rest of the drubbings you received, this seems to have driven you into spouting some kind of wierd, stilted adultese dialect reminiscent of a frustrated elementary school hall monitor. Sorry if the Bad People gave you a wedgie when you tried to revoke their chocolate milk privileges. " -- Blair Haworth
"No, Magick with a K, like a backwards baseball cap, a Harley t-shirt on a Yamaha rider, or a "Stop Global Warming" bumper sticker is one of nature's little ways of saying KEEP AWAY." -- Jenny Gutbezahl
"Hey everyone: Check out badass Jim! He's so cool that the worst punishment possible would be to end up in His killfile. Tread lightly, because He has an itchy 'plonk' finger, and would much rather tell all and sundry that He's used it than spend the time to cobble together a well-written, witty, or entertaining retort." -- Andy Banta
"You are incapable of dabbing your brush into the Prussian blue and the Titanium white that comprise the spectrum on alt.(mumble), incapable of drawing upon the blank canvas that is the unwritten English sentence in a new and exciting manner. No, it's the same old still life of apples in a bowl for you." -- Jim Hill
The difference between writing in a sci.* group and writing in alt.(mumble) is much like the difference in teaching in a primary school and walking naked into the prison showers with "Hump Me, I'm Tight" written in lipstick across your bum. - Jon McCulloch
Andrew Laurence writes "Just because you're more violent than somebody else doesn't make you smarter, or right."

Geoff Miller replies:

Yes, it does.

Who is this whining SNAG fuckhead, and what is he (still) doing here?

"What ever happened to the pearl of netiquette that said you should attack a person's ideas, not the person him/herself?"

Oh, Christ. Lookie here, folks; he's one of those mealy-mouthed "he/she", "him/herself" jackoffs. Say, do you ever manage to get a piece of ass off the hairy-legged feminists with that self- emasculating crap? No? Well, I certainly share your pain.

That little pearl of netiquette doesn't apply here, Binker. You see, while you were indulging in your peaceful little reverie about committing random kindness and senseless acts of beauty, you wandered right off the map.

While you were preoccuppied with the idea that war isn't healthy for children and other living things, you failed to notice that Here There Be Tygers, and that they care much less about your silly liberal platitudes than they do about how to season your shredded carcass as it hisses and crackles and drips over an open fire. We don't like your kind here, you oh-so-sensitive little twerp, and you'd be well advised to swallow your pride and get packing before your virtual nutsack is torn off and parked briskly in the neighborhood of your figurative larynx. If you find your predicament even harder to grasp than your no doubt pathetically substandard little pud, then you might consider pedalling down to your local library and asking the nice old lady with the chain on her half-specs for a copy of Sir Kenneth Clark's famous opus, _Sodomisation_.

As for that "pearl of netiquette" that you wrote of, well, if you stick around much longer, you'll feel it pulsing hotly down your throat along with pearls of an entirely different and more viscous kind.

You've got a pretty mouth, you know that, son? Now put on your bicycle helmet and get the fuck out of here.

last modified 2 August 96