The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. Jackie Gleason Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Red Buttons I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember. Shecky Greene A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. Fred Allen They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning. Billie Holiday I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name" Mike Binder You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneris I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. Sue Kolinsky The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. Roger Simon I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers? Calvin Trillin I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" Jay Leno Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. Will Rogers It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline. George Lindsey If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. George Gobel But wait, there's more ... 1. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating. -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course 2. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them." 3. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown 4. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate 5. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry 6. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl. 7. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 8. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips 9. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. --David Letterman