Subject: New product: PC Linux
From: Evan Leibovitch <[email-masked]>
To: Caldera Users Mailing List <[email-masked]>
Date: Tue, 1 Apr 1997 00:52:37 -0500 (EST)

AFJ Computing Inc. announces a brand new product based on the Caldera
Open Linux distribution, to be known as "PC Linux". It will be freely
downloadable starting April 1.

In order for Linux to survive into the nineties, it must get rid of
its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become compatible
with the existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians
have come up with this exciting new enhancement.

UTILITIES

1. "man" pages are now called "person" pages.

2. Similarly, "hangman" is now the,
   "person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime."

3. To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the, "cat"
   command is now merely "domestic_quadruped."

4. To date, there has only been a UNIX command for, "yes" - reflecting
   the male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no. To
   address this imbalance, PC Linux adds a "no" command, along with a
   "-f[orce]" option which will crash the entire system if the, "no" is
   ignored.

5. The bias of the, "mail" command is obvious, and it has been
   replaced by the more neutral, "gender" command.

6. The, "touch" command has been removed from the standard
   distribution due to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.

7. "compress" has been replaced by the lightweight, "feather" command.
   Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European Males)
   should be archived via, "tar" and, "feather".

8. The, "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the
   Reagan era. PC Linux uses the environmentally preferable, "fewer"
   command.

9. The biodegradable, "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally unfriendly,
   "LaTeX".

10. Child processes will be allowed to have more than one parent,
    accommodating the need for 'extended families' of processes.

SHELL COMMANDS

1. To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the, "kill" command has
   been renamed "euthanise."

2. The "nice" command was historically used by privileged users to
   give themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to
   be, "nice".  In PC Linux, the, "sue" command is used by unprivileged
   users to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones.

3. "history" has been completely rewritten, and is now called "herstory."

4. "quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will
   be strictly enforced.

5. The "abort()" function is now called "choice()."

TERMINOLOGY

1. From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately referred to as
   "exploitive capitalist text".

2. The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes
   will now be known as "spiritual guides."

3. There will no longer be a invidious distinction between "dumb" and,
   "smart" terminals. All terminals are equally valuable.

4. Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse video") was
   white on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism,
   particularly with respect to people of African descent. PC Linux
   now uses "regressive video" to refer to white on black, while,
   "progressive video" can be any color at all over a white background.

5. For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of
   "root" and his "wheel" oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship of
   the users.  All system administration functions will be handled by the
   People's Committee for Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS).

6. No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be
   "owned" by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and
   decide how (or whether) to respond to requests from users.

7. The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window
   System.

8. Profanity is to be discoraged. Because of the sound of the term
   "FAQ" when spoken out loud, FAQs will be renamed "OAQ"s
   (occasionally-asked questions). And the "curses" faclity will
   be known as "compliments".

9.  The term GNU refers to an ugly animal with which most people are
    unfamiliar. In PC Linux, all references to GNU will be replaced
    with the friendlier term "kitten".

FUTURE DEVELOPMENT

1. The next releases of PC Linux will dispense with the term "user"
   altogether, replacing it with "partner".

2. AFJ Computing intends to submit PC Linux for Unix certification this
   time next year. If it achieves this, the new product will be called
   "PC UNIX" ("PC" - Procreatively Challenged).

Any enquiries about PC Linux should be directed to /dev/null. After all,
AFJ stands for Aril Fools' Joke. If you read this after April 1, that's
not my problem.