Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #882
From: <[email-masked]>
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 1997 09:56:21 -0500 (EST)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle

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Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:31 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #882

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to [email-masked] with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to [email-masked] (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    882
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

877 113 votes  clxon auFq6 6uruk 7eEum 7gyvp 9blDx 9mAnn 8pzsh blRm6 akzmq
877  3.3 mean   3.2   2.9   3.2   3.4   3.5   3.7   3.3   3.2   2.9   3.3

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Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:37 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-01

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, mighty forecastor of the wind beneath my wings,
>
> I've learned that the superbowl is a good predictor of
> the stock market.  If the NFC team wins there will be
> a bull market, and if the AFC team wins the market will be
> bear.  This formula has been wrong only 4 times out of the
> 30 superbowls (I believe).  Can you explain this phenomenon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's like the other famous stock market predictor: women's hem lengths.
} When skirts are short, the market is bull; when they're long, it's
} bear.
}
} You'll know it's time to get out of the market when you see the AFC
} defensive line in long gowns.
}
} You owe the Oracle two 50-yard line tickets to Superbowl CLXXI.

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Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:38 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-02

Selected-By: Otis Viles <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Waddya want from me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Amusement, supplicant.  Amusement.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:39 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-03

Selected-By: Rich McGee <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> BINGO! See? I got B-17, I-12, N-59, G-20, and an O-82

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...
}
} B  I  N  G  O    ?
}  17 12 59 20 82
}
} Good heavens!  That's the chemical formula for Bigboomium!  Zadoc! Take
} cover!
}
}     ** KABLAAAAAAM! **
}
} Zadoc:  Master are you alright?
} Oracle: Werm... herm... what?  Of course I'm alright!
} Zadoc:  What happened to the supplicant?
} Oracle: He's gone to that big bingo tumbler in the sky.
} Zadoc:  Thank heavens I didn't try to verify his card.
} Oracle: Land sakes what a mess... Zadoc, get this cleaned
}         up before Lisa gets home!
}
} You owe the Oracle a mop and a bottle of Mr. Klean.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:40 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-04

Selected-By: David Bremner <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> When will she stop snapping that gum?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I, the great and omniscient Oracle, have chewed on and digested your
} question.  Ah, trifles make up the sum of human things!  I refer you to
} Edmund Burke, who, in his Reflections on the Revolution in France,
} said:
}
} "Because half a dozen grasshoppers under a fern make the field ring
} with their importunate chink, whilst thousands of great cattle, reposed
} beneath the shadow of the British oak, chew the cud and are silent,
} pray do not imagine that those who make the noise are the only
} inhabitants of the field; that, of course, they are many in number; or
} that, after all, they are other than the little shriveled, meager,
} hopping, though loud and troublesome insects of the hour."
}
} Bring a cow into your living room and you will cease to notice the gum
} chewer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a stickier question.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:42 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-05

Selected-By: Scott Forbes <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What is the future of Social Security?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Feb 1997 - Pres. Clinton appoints bipartisan commision with the mandate
}            to reform US social security.
}
} Aug 1997 - Commision reports initial findings, splits more or less
}            along party lines as to the remedy for the situation.
}
} Oct 1997 - Committee meets in effort to break deadlock. Factions agree
}            that the severity of the problem merits a reexamination of
}            old political thinking.
}
} Dec 1997 - Citizens' coalitions launch Christmas ad campaign
}            highlighting the cost that current social security practices
}            will have on our children. Public pressure for a solution
}            grows.
}
} Feb 1998 - Print and electronic media concentrate on social security
}            reform and other reforms made possible by this new public
}            committment. Lawmakers begin to hammer out proposals.
}
} May 1998 - Series of public hearings held in which lawmakers, media,
}            political groups, and academics present and explain the
}            proposals for change.
}
} Nov 1998 - Success of public hearings spurs legislators to find a
}            solution, and provide a clear mandate for change, helping to
}            break obstructionism and fearmongering by established
}            interests.
}
} Jan 1999 - Legislators begin drafting the final version of the new
}            social security bill. The new system is expected to become
}            a model of compassionate and affordable assistance for the
}            rest of the world.
}
} Jun 1999 - House and Senate meet in unprecedented effort to hammer out
}            differences and fix problems highlighted by public debate.
}            "Pork barrel" amendments are banned. Both sides work to
}            bring plan in under budget with more services.
}
} Aug 1999 - Bill nears final passage. American public applauds elected
}            representatives who put aside personal political interests
}            to save the future.
}
} Sep 1999 - Nobel committe announces rare group prize in Economics
}            awarded to the legislative and executive branches of the US
}            government.
}
} Dec 1999 - As one of his final major acts in office, president Clinton
}            signs the historic Social Security reform bill. For perhaps
}            the first time since the founding of the republic, all
}            citizens are united in common cause, politicians work for
}            the common good, the public is involved and informed in
}            political matters, corruption and inertia are overcome and a
}            major problem threatening the future of the country is
}            overcome with intelligence, honesty and hard work.
}
} Jan 2000 - Hell freezes over.
}
} You owe the oracle a subscription to George.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:43 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-06

Selected-By: Mike Nolan <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Please zot me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Foolish supplicant, you would dare make a request of the
} oracle without grovelling, who do you think you are? As
} if I didn't already know. For that you shall be z...um...
} wait a second. If I zot you, you'll receive what you
} requested, thereby receiving a request without proper
} grovelling, but since you did not grovel, I am supposed
} to zot you. But I can not zot you even though I have
} to zot you. Damn, {Yelling} Zadoc, get in here."
}
} <<Zadoc shuffles into the room.>>
}
} "Zadoc, this foolish mortal has requested that I zot him."
}
} Zadoc: "Then zot him."
}
} "But he did not grovel."
}
} Zadoc: "Then zot him."
}
} "I can't zot him because if I zot him, I'll be doing what he
} wants."
}
} Zadoc: "Then don't zot him."
}
} "But I have to zot him, since he didn't grovel."
}
} Zadoc: "Then zot him."
}
} "I can't"
}
} Zadoc: "Then don't"
}
} <<This continues for an hour or so>>
}
} Zadoc: "Master, you must zot him, but you should not zot him."
}
} "What if I zot you?"
}
} Zadoc: "Then you still haven't solved the problem with the
} supplicant"
}
} <<The oracle aims the ZOT staff at Zadoc>>
}
} ********Z O T********
}
} Zadoc: "OWWWWWW!! What did that solve?"
}
} "I feel better."
}
} Zadoc: "But what are you going to do to the supplicant?"
}
} ********Z O T********
}
} Zadoc: "OWWWWWWW!!! What was that for?"
}
} "It's helping me think."
}
} ********Z O T********
} ********Z O T********
} ********Z O T********
} ********Z O T********
}
} Zadoc: "I'm leaving, I'm tired of you always Zotting me when
} you should ZOT the supplicant."
}
} ********Z O T********
}
} "Oh, sorry, that was reflex. I think I'll let the supplicant, oh
} wait! I've got it, Zadoc, you ZOT him!!"
}
} Zadoc: "ME?!?! You don't ever let me touch the ZOT staff."
}
} "If you ZOT him, he won't get what he wants, and he'll get zotted
} as appropriate!"
}
} <<Zadoc walks over to pick up the legendary ZOT staff>>
}
} Zadoc: "This is heavy"
}
} "OK, point it at the screen...no...no...aim at the screen...the
} computer...ZADOC...WATCH OUT!!"
}
} <<Zadoc begins firing at random ZOT's at the oracle's cat, Delphi>>
}
} ********Z O T********
}
} Delphi: "MMMMMMMRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRWWWWWWWW"
}
} "Now look what you...give me that...why do I keep you around? Oh
} yes, I remember."
}
} ********Z O T********
}
} Zadoc: "Ow. I guess I deserved that."
}
} <<The Oracle hauls off and smacks Zadoc with the staff who falls
} unconscious on the floor>>
}
} "Dumb sh**, oh well supplicant, I guess that you get away with not
} grovelling this time, but don't let it happen again."
}
} You owe the oracle a new, unbent, ZOT staff

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:44 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-07

Selected-By: Rich McGee <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, a SWAT team, an army, a navy, and a marine
> force in one deity, your humble assistant asks for your
> participation in this mission:
>
> Every minute in this world, a woman has a baby.
>
> We must find her and stop her.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} it is a mission worthy of oracular support. my contribution will be my
} logbook, from which you will learn, if you read my entries of 9 months
} ago, the identity of that woman.
}
} you owe the oracle your turn for the 3 a.m. feeding

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:45 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-08

Selected-By: Mike Nolan <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> OhOraclemostwise,whydoesn'tthespacebarworkonmykeyboard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have contracted a particularly despicable virus. The worst
} featureof thisvirusisthatitistransmittedviaplaintextemails.
}
} Ohsodit.Nowlookwhatyou'vedone.
}
} YouowetheOracleanemailwiththewordsGoodTimesinthesubjectline.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:46 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-09

Selected-By: Mike Nolan <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, please tell your unworthy supplicant,
> why would a person want to own a cat.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the obvious reason is because one's mother-in-law is allergic to
} the beasts.  Here kitty, kitty...  Good kitty...  OUCH!
}
} You owe the Oracle a band-aid.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 30 Jan 97 09:16:47 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #882-10

Selected-By: Mike Nolan <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of wonders, please answer me this:
>
> Why aren't floppy disks floppy anymore?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, now they have silicone implants so theyre' firmer and have er
} am.. larger capacity!

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #882
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