Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #861
From: <[email-masked]>
Date: Tue, 24 Sep 1996 19:28:14 -0500 (EST)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle

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Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:40 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #861

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to [email-masked] with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to [email-masked] (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    861
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

856  88 votes  6crvc 9jmki cpqdc 3mAm5 7mDf5 ahyi9 9tpdc 27rvl 7ftpc 8gtkf
856  3.1 mean   3.4   3.2   2.9   3.0   2.9   3.0   2.9   3.7   3.2   3.2

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Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:48 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-01

Selected-By: Mike Nolan <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who is so intelligent and persuasive he could
> actually trap the entire Netdom in his "this is not a scam" scam if he
> chose,
>
> Why do people fall for such ridiculous crap as "make money fast"
> schemes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to your question is very simple.  People do not have "The
} Oracle Fake Scam Detector".  For only $95.99 you too can distinguish
} between which are scams and which will truely make you a millionaire.
} Reply quickly!  Supplies are limited!

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:49 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-02

Selected-By: <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> In the bathrooms at work, they have these disposable paper
> toilet seat covers.  What is the purpose of these things?
> Do people actually believe that garbage about catching AIDS
> from toilet seats?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, those are there so the toilet seats won't catch
} anything from _YOU_. Toilet seats are a very health-conscious
} bunch, you know.
}
} No, no one really believes you can catch AIDS from a toilet
} seat anymore, but there are plenty of things you _can_ catch
} from a toilet seat which should provide ample reason for you
} to take every precaution necessary.
}
} 1) GERALDO SYNDROME
}
} Transmitted by contact with filth, this insidious virus has
} the ability to make your reputation spontaneously combust.
} It will also break your nose every so often.
}
} 2) INNER-CITY COMMON COLD
}
} This horrible variant of the common cold is just like its
} very familiar counterpart, with one exception: if your nose
} begins to run, the virus will overpower it and beat it
} senseless. Under certain circumstances, you might even notice
} parts of your body begin to pack weapons.
}
} 3) ROSSPEROTITIS
}
} This rather uncontainable bacterium will manifest itself in
} humans in a startling way: You'll actually begin to _believe_
} everything you say. Plus, you'll grow huge ears.
}
} 4) SCOTSMAN'S SHEEPHERDING DISEASE
}
} Trust us, it's baa-a-a-a-a-a-d.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of tissue paper and a bottle of 100-
} proof nasal spray.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:50 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-03

Selected-By: <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh compassionate and sagacious Oracle, I need your assistance.
> Recently, I witnessed a shameful and disturbing crime against
> nature.  I was walking in the country, minding my own business, when
> I came upon a man torturing a woodchuck.  This individual (who,
> though obviously evil, was strikingly handsome and attractive,
> almost god-like) was attacking the unfortunate animal with some kind
> of electrical device, which I believe he referred to as his "staff
> of ZOT".  When I asked him what he thought he was doing, he pointed
> his staff at me threateningly, and made a number of bizarre demands
> for "payment", at which point I fled the scene as fast as I could.
> I feel certain that the woodchuck in this incident was completely
> innocent of any wrongdoing, and undeserving of such cruel treatment.
>
> Please explain to me, O Exalted Master of mercy and wisdom, why do
> bad people happen to good things?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I see your point, but there are several mis-assumptions that you have
} made:
}
} 1) It is neither a crime or shameful (provided your pants are on).
} 2) You weren't really minding your own business, now were you?
} 3) It was really a marmot.
} 4) The only reason it would be unfortunate is that it was born a marmot!
} 5) Piezo-electric, actually.
} 6) In German, "der Zottenschtik"
} 7) If you thought those were bizarre, you need to spend some time in
}    Amsterdam
} 8) Not innocent, indecent.
} 9) Cruel would be making him listen to Ross Perot (the Ferangi
}    candidate)
} 10)You are incorrect that I^H^H the man was out of line; it was the
}    marmot.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fur lined sink.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:51 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-04

Selected-By: <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, who can burp the entire alphabet in under 15 seconds,
> please tel me,
>
> I know I have to grovel when I ask a question, but what about a
> statement?
> example:
> "Where can I find some dinosaur bones?"
> could be
> "If you know where I can find some dinosaur bones, tell me where they
> are."
>
> As you can see, I'm making a statement, not asking a question.  I think
> I've found a loophole to the whole grovel thing!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What!?  A loophole!!  That can't be!  I had the finest judges money can
} buy write up the Oracular Code.  Hold on a second while I find the
} relevant part of the Code.
}
} [Flip, flip, flip]
}
} Here we are, Oracular Code, Vol. XXIX (Supplicants, Part XX), Section
} L (Answering Supplicants), Subsection 29 (Grovel Requirement),
} Paragraphs i through iii, to wit:
}
} i. Grovel Requirement
}    The customers ("Supplicants" or "Geeks") of the Grand and Glorious
} Internet Oracle ("Oracle") must sufficiently abase themselves in order
} to secure the Answer Guarantee (Paragraph iii).  Such abasement must be
} expressed in the form of a Grovel (Paragraph ii).  Questions from Geeks
} which lack a grovel may or may not be answered by Oracle at his sole
} discretion.  The presence of a grovel guarantees an answer only, and
} does not provide any guarantees, either express or implied, as to the
} quality of said answer (see volumes XL through CXII, Litigation; see
} also volume III (Incarnations), Section F (Clueless Incarnations)).
}
} ii. Grovel
}    A self-abasement by a Geek or Geeks ("Grovel") is defined as a
} sentence or phrase expressing self-mortification on the part of the
} Geek, and aggrandizing Oracle.  Veiled insults in said Grovel make the
} entire Grovel null and void, thus voiding the Answer Guarantee.
} Expressions of doubt concerning the Oracle's abilities also void said
} Guarantee.
}
} iii. Answer Guarantee
}    In any Geek-Oracle question-answer relationship, Oracle guarantees to
} said Geek that all questions asked shall be duly answered whenever the
} Grovel Requirement is met (see Paragraph i).
}
} Hmmmmmm..... It appears that the substitution of a statement for a
} question is not covered by the Answer Guarantee.  That means I can
} answer or not at my discretion, I think.  I'd hate to have litigation
} come up over this, though.  I'd have to review all those volumes.  Wait!
} Look at Subsection 15!
}
} Subsection 15: Reverse Jeopardy
}
} i. Supplicant Questions
}    The information submitted to the Oracle ("Question") by the clients
} of the Oracle ("Supplicants" or "Geeks") must be phrased in the form of
} a question.  Failure to comply with this requirement renders the Oracle-
} Geek contract null and void, unless the Geek is Alex Trebek.
}
} Ha!  It looks like my judges out-loopholed you!
}
} You owe the Oracle 10 years of service as a target dummy on the Zot Gun
} practice range.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:52 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-05

Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, can you teach me some bad words?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes Dear,
}       General Fault Detection, Mac, Dot Matrix, Newt, Spam,
} Communications Decency Act, GreenDay, 1200 BPS, TCP/IP Error, Not
} Enough Memory, 3 Page Long Signature Files, Net Censorship.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:54 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-06

Selected-By: Mike Nolan <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>       Oh great and wise Oracle, who knows the proof to Fermat's Last
> Theorem, please answer...
>
>       Why is it that, when windows 95 is such an easy interface to use,
> it takes some people 45 minutes to figure out how to drag an item
> from one window to another?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The fact that some people can't even use a keyboard is whats even
} worse.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:55 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-07

Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> /usr/etc/ping

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} PING(8C)                SUPPLICATION COMMANDS             PING(8C)
}
} NAME
}         ping - send ICMP AUTO_SUPPLICATION packets to network hosts
}
} SYNOPSIS
}         /usr/etc/ping host [ timeout ]
}         /usr/etc/ping [ -s ] [ -aowz ] host [ packetsize ] [ count ]
}
} AVAILABILITY
}         This program is available on all systems. Unfortunately it
}         isn't used often enough.
}
} DESCRIPTION
}         ping uses the enhanced ICMP protocol's optional
}         AUTO_SUPPLICATION datagram to attempt not to elicit an ICMP
}         AUTO_ZOT from the specified supernatural host.
}
}         AUTO_SUPPLICATION datagrams, or "grovels," have IP headers
}         followed by a structpleasedontzotme, and then an arbitrary
}         flattering phrase to pad out the packet. If host responds,
}         ping will reduce the user to a heap of smouldering ashes. ping
}         is therefore not useful in shell scripts. Otherwise after
}         timeout seconds, it will output "no answer from host", and the
}         user will be reduced to a heap of smouldering ashes at some
}         later time. This time is not specified in the ICMP
}         protocol.
}
}         When the -s flag is specified, ping sends one datagram per
}         second, significantly increasing the chance of a
}         response. This second form computes round trip times, response
}         percentages, hitting probability and average yield per zot (in
}         megatons); it displays a summary of this information upon
}         termination or timeout. If an optional count is given, ping
}         reduces the risk by sending only that number of
}         requests. Shortening the packet reduces the probability the
}         host will be insulted, but short flattering phrases are
}         generally not regarded as sufficient. The default packet size
}         is 64, which makes each probability 50%.
}
}         When using ping for a practical joke, make sure you have
}         plenty of time to get to a safe distance. The shell command
}         (sleep 1200; ping) should give you enough time to escape
}         ground zero.
}
} OPTIONS
}         -a    Don't bother with flattering phrase. Just pad packet
}               with packetsize .sigs.
}
}         -c    Compatibility mode. Operate like UCB ping.
}
}         -o    Obsolete mode. Use the obsolete AUTO_HUMOUR protocol. By
}               now the majority of hosts don't support this.
}
}         -w    Mention marmots. No warranty is given.
}
}         -z    Mention ZOTs in a humourous and flattering way. No
}               warranty is given.
}
} SEE ALSO
}         zot(8C), humor(8O), tellme(8K), askme(8K)
}
} BUGS
}         The AUTO_ZOT protocol is far too restrictive. Humour is not
}         supported on most systems.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:56 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-08

Selected-By: Darkmage <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How long can CD's contain their data?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends upon many factors. Although a stereo CD normally can contain
} up to 74 minutes, these generally offer such low interest rates that
} you'd expect them to be much less popular than they are. 90-day to
} five-year CDs are quite common, these days. The longest CD that I've
} personally seen was just over 12 centimeters across.
}
} If you have a 30-day CD offering fewer than 300 MB, you may be able to
} improve it by outlining it with a green marker pen. Many banks offer
} pens with a specially-notched tip just for this purpose; see whether
} you can even get one for free.
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as g. t. <[email-masked]>) 180
} days at a CD motel.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:57 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-09

Selected-By: Mike Nolan <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> That's pretty amazing!  Nobody at the whole company has either sent
> or received e-mail for the last 20 minutes!  I think that's the
> first time I've seen that happen during regular work hours.  What's
> going on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that's what happens when your company switches to your own
} mail-software, Mr. Gates.
}
} You owe the Oracle a reboot of your mailserver.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:58 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <[email-masked]>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-10

Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <[email-masked]>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> a broken shoelace
> a tire swing
> a calculus textbook
>
> What do these things remind you of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scapegoats and muntjacks and cubic equations,
} Stopgaps and catflaps and runic evasions,
} Plastic explosives from east of Berlin,
} These are a few of my favourite things.
}
} Pustules and earwax and facial ablutions,
} Dogtags and hatstands and saline solutions,
} Dragonflies robbed of their two pairs of wings,
} These are a few of my favourite things---
}
} When the spam fills,
} When the wood chucks,
} When I'm feeling rotten,
} I think of a few of my favourite things,
} And go and make someone bezotten.
}
} Chainsaws and mangoes and carnal contortions,
} Fish-knives and footsores and minuscule portions,
} Eavesdropping neighbours of fictional kings,
} These are a few of my favourite things.
}
} Rain-checks and quart pots and follical potions,
} Quicksand and zeitgeist and repressed emotions,
} Breaking up all the Smithsonian's Mings,
} These are a few of my favourite things---
}
} When the air brakes,
} When the boils burst,
} When I'm feeling ghastly,
} I think of a few of my favourite things,
} And get very drunk; then I'm not so nasty.

------------------------------

End of Internet Oracularities Digest #861
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