The Newbie's Song 
(to the tune of "A Modern Major General" from "The Pirates of
Penzance", Gilbert & Sullivan).

I am the very model of a Usenet individual,
I've information meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I know the basic elements of alien biology,
And all the hidden secrets of the Church of Scientology,
I've seen "The Wrath of Khan" and every Star Trek film that followed it, 
I moan about my Servicecard and how the cash till swallowed it,
About the laws on handguns I am sending off a counterblast, 
With many cheerful facts about the way you can MAKE MONEY FAST!

ALL:       With many cheerful etc.

I'll tell you why the Japanese are taking over Panama,
And why the USA is still a better place than Canada,
In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I am the very model of a Usenet individual.

ALL:      In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
          He is the very model of a Usenet individual.

I post in alt.revisionism lies about the Holocaust,
I cut my .sig to twenty lines, I didn't want to, I was forced,
I really can't believe the "Good Times" virus to be mythical,
And Clinton's raising taxes which is, frankly, bloody typical,
I've upset several people on alt.flame, I really don't know how,
And sent a thousand business cards to Mr. and Mrs. Shergold now,
I have a very poor grip of political geography,
And absolutely no involvement (yet!) in child pornography,

ALL:      And absolutely no, etc.

I've paid two-fifty dollars for the Nieman-Marcus recipe,
And told the Spanish tourist's tale about the toothbrush pessary, 
In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial, 
I am the very model of a Usenet individual.

ALL:      In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
          He is the very model of a Usenet individual.

In fact, when I know what is meant by "binary" and "FTP",
When I know how to decode porno JPEGs from a .uue,
When I can handle HTML, Telnet, mail and IRC,
And when I know the words initialised to form "http",
When I have learnt what topics are acceptable in talk.bizarre,
When I know more of Usenet than the tailpipe of a motor-car,
               -
In short, when I've a smattering of elementary netiquette,
You'll say a better individual has never surfed the Net.

ALL:      You'll say a better individual, etc.

For my technical experience, although I claim to know it all
Could barely serve to run the installation disk from AOL;
But still, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I am the very model of a Usenet individual.

ALL:      But still, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
          He is the very model of a Usenet individual.


                            Doug Finley
                            dfinley@mindspring.com