Subject: HelpLine

From: [email-masked] (Terry Preston)
Date: Sat, 6 Apr 96 09:44:00 -0800

WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS?

 General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know  how
to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but
imagine if they did....

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HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"

HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

Customer: "What's an ignition?"

HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and
turns over the engine."

Customer: "Ignition?  Motor?  Battery?  Engine?  How come I have to know
all these technical terms just to use my car?"

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HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"

HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"

Customer: "Huh?  How do I know?"

HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and
markings from 'E' to 'F'.  Where is the needle pointing?"

Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'.  What does that mean?"

HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase
some more gasoline.  You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to
install it for you."

Customer: "What?  I paid $12,000 for this car!  Now you tell me that I
have to keep buying more components?  I want a car that comes with
everything built in!"

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HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Your cars suck!"

HelpLine: "What's wrong?"

Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"

HelpLine: "What were you doing?"

Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all
the way to the floor.  It worked for a while and then it crashed and it
won't start now!

HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.  What do
you expect us to do about it?"

Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't
crash any more!"

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HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because
it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power
brakes, and power door locks."

HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car.  How can I help you?"

Customer: "How do I work it?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "Do I know how to what?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "I'm not a technical person.  I just want to go places in my
car!"

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 * SPEED 1.40 #1895 * "Would you please tell me whose brain I DID put in?"