Subject: God TQM

From: Steve Crawford <[email-masked]>
Date: Fri, 31 Jul 1998 08:35:32 -0700

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

 God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
 better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer

 the following questions.

 Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
 confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address
unless
 you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

 1. How did you find out about your deity?
    __ Newspaper
    __ Bible
    __ Torah
    __ Television
    __ Book of Mormon
    __ Divine Inspiration
    __ Dead Sea Scrolls
    __ My Mama Done Tol' Me
    __ Near Death Experience
    __ Near Life Experience
    __ National Public Radio
    __ Tabloid
    __ Burning Shrubbery
    __ Other  (specify): _____________

 2. Which model deity did you acquire?
    __ Yahweh
    __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
    __ Jehovah
    __ Jesus
    __ Krishna
    __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
    __ Odin and entourage [Valhallah Pak]
    __ Allah
    __ Satan
    __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
    __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
 order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

  __ Yes  __ No

 If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
 Please indicate all that apply:

    __ Not eternal
    __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
    __ Not omniscient
    __ Not omnipotent
    __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all
 creations)
    __ Permits sex outside of marriage
    __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
    __ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera; Paul Iannone)
    __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
    __ When beseeched, does not stay beseeched
    __ Requires burnt offerings
    __ Requires virgin sacrifices

 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?
  Please check all that apply.
    __ Indoctrinated by parents
    __ Needed a reason to live
    __ Indoctrinated by society
    __ Needed focus in whom to despise
    __ Imaginary friend grew up
    __ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
    __ Hate to think for myself
    __ Wanted to meet girls/boys
    __ Fear of death
    __ Wanted to piss off parents
    __ Needed a day away from work
    __ Desperate need for certainty
    __ Like Organ Music
    __ Need to feel Morally Superior
    __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
    __ Shit was falling out of the sky
    __ My shrubbery caught fire and a loud voice commanded me to do it

 5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before?  Is so, which false god
were
 you fooled by?
 Please check all that apply.
    __ Mick Jagger
    __ Cthulhu
    __ Baal
    __ The Almighty Dollar
    __ Bill Gates
    __ Left Wing Liberalism
    __ The Radical Right
    __ Ra
    __ Beelzebub
    __ Barney T.B.P.D.
    __ The Great Spirit
    __ The Great Pumpkin
    __ The Sun
    __ Elvis
    __ Cindy Crawford
    __ The Moon
    __ A burning shrubbery
    __ Other: ________________

 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
 to God?  Please check all that apply.
    __ Tarot
    __ Lottery
    __ Astrology
    __ Television
    __ Fortune cookies
    __ Ann Landers
    __ Psychic Friends Network
    __ Dianetics
    __ Palmistry
    __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
    __ Self-help books
    __ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
    __ Biorhythms
    __ Alcohol
    __ Bill Clinton
    __ Tea Leaves
    __ EST
    __ CompuServe
    __ Mantras
    __ Jimmy Swaggert
    __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
    __ Human Sacrifice
    __ Pyramids
    __ Wandering around a desert
    __ Insurance policies
    __ Burning Shrubbery
    __ Barney T.B.P.D.
    __ Barney Fife
    __ Other:_____________________
    __ None

 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
 balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.

 Which would you prefer (circle one)?
    a. More Divine Intervention
    b. Less Divine Intervention
    c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
    d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
 miracles.  Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
 following:

 (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

  a. Disasters:
       flood              1   2   3   4   5
       famine             1   2   3   4   5
       earthquake         1   2   3   4   5
       war                1   2   3   4   5
       pestilence         1   2   3   4   5
       plague             1   2   3   4   5
       SPAM               1   2   3   4   5
       AOL                1   2   3   4   5

  b. Miracles:
       rescues                              1   2   3   4   5
       spontaneous remissions               1   2   3   4   5
       stars hovering over jerkwater towns  1   2   3   4   5
       crying statues                       1   2   3   4   5
       water changing to wine               1   2   3   4   5
       walking on water                     1   2   3   4   5
       VCRs that set their own clocks       1   2   3   4   5
       Saddam Hussein still alive           1   2   3   4   5
       getting any sex whatsoever           1   2   3   4   5

 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the

 quality of God's services?
 (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):

 If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of
 our conveniently located drop-off boxes by July 30 you will be entered
 in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are
 approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power, depending on number
 of beings entered).

 Thank You