Taken from:  http://www.sff.net/people/pff/service.txt
Written by Pat Fogarty

 
                        SERVICE PROTOCOLS

1. Do not call for service until everyone concerned has had time to form
an opinion as to what is wrong.  Allow each person a chance to correct
the problem.  Whenever possible, all controls and adjustment screws
should be turned.

2. After several days, when the machine's malfunction has become a major
emergency, place an urgent call for service.  Fridays are best, but any
time after 4:00 PM is ok.

3. Alert all personell so that each may give their version of what is
wrong.  Suggestions on how to fix the machine will be welcomed by the
Field Service Engineer.

4. Before the Field Service Engineer arrives, be sure the service
history log has been hidden.  Make several references to the man who was
here last week for the same problem.

5. Have at least eight graduate engineers present to ask highly
technical questions which are in no way related to the problem.

6. The minute the Field Service Engineer arrives, ask what caused the
delay.  Make it clear you expected him two days ago.  Before he can
answer, ask when the machine will be back in service.

7. The machine should be as dirty and greasy as possible; a mixture of
old oil and pencil sharperner shavings works well.  If the machine has
electronic components, add paperclips and staples.

8. Ask someone to supervise the repair.  Someone who has never seen the
machine before is prefered.  Bad breath is a plus.

9. Ask when the machine will be ready.  Frequently.  Especially when it
is eight hundred pieces all over the floor.

10. Be sure the lighting is poor in the room where the machine is to be
repaired.  A good Field Service Engineer can fix it blindfolded.

11. If the Field Service Engineer is looking at a schematic, ask if he
knows what he is doing.  Mention that you fixed your toaster last week
without a schematic.

12. When the repair is complete, tell the Field Service Engineer what a
good job he did.  Mention that it -should- be good, he took long enough.

13. Always try and get the Field Service Engineer to lower the repair
bill; Field Service Engineers and service companies make too much money
anyway.

14. After the Field Service Engineer is gone, call his boss.  Say that
the machine is worse now than before.  Follow up with a letter CC'd to
the head office, the Better Business Bureau, and your elected officials.

15. Terms of the repair bill are always "Net Never" 

16. Follow these rules on every call, no matter how small the problem.