http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html
(See also Peter Anspach's Star Trek Parodies List, at
http://www.eviloverlord.com/parodies/.)
This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you
enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1)
it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.
Attention all Evil Overlord List Aspirants: Contrary to popular belief,
taking over the universe is not as easy as it would first appear. Due to the
complexity of this task, Peter regrets that he is currently unable to give
the list the attention it deserves. The list is therefore going on a
temporary hiatus. This is a temporary condition. As soon as he is able to
respond in a timely manner -- or until he becomes unquestioned lord and
master of all things, whichever comes first -- the list will not be updated
and no new suggestions will be considered. He would sincerely apologize for
this inconvenience, were it in character for an Evil Overlord to do so.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there
are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil
Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets
overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether
they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien
invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single
time. With that in mind, allow me to present...
The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the
object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me,
will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and
shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time
during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push"
will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to
disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled
as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel
well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in
my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of
ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the
cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other
form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that
such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when
the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just
one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to
usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at
a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil,
but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own
father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for
my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make
them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol
hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a
more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will
not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in
their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power
generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my
troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears
and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will
never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After
that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of
machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and
virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is
probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my
bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important
systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the
same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at
all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into
confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly
thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will
surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic
relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news
just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to
come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear
a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual
dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be
reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic.
Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block,
let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep
the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out
copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a
battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of
waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me
in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the
forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite
number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of
keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel
devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey,
ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying
ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good
looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my
plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds
to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for
what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will
not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for
failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man
possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will
slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to
mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with
respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not
immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I
will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them
out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local
paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that
will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh
powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer
him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned
tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you!
Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in
my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important
covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if
there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less
attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who
cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for
target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully
read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code
I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it
will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad
scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies
them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And
they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going
through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely
unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a
disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals,
the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as
the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The
actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who
watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for
fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that
sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a
full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is
only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is
good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better
save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of
the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one
of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will
immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of
quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be
made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen
standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and
begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of
using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to
win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my
five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not
label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,
instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack
one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also
not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge
over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the
chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough
sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot
before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The
command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably
practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as
it has been employed it will be melted down and made into
limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best
troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he
gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed
him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops
flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to
find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of
the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have
to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of
us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite
sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar
then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it
will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly
grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I
will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them
for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband
my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the
weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took
it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is
facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment
is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead
I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the
futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few
months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of
righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who
failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to
go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and
grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells
the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead
of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel
on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the
inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor
their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will
ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against
their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each
other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving
each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I
will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I
will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Of course, these are merely the Top 100 Things I'd do. Other suggestions
have been sent to me which didn't quite make the Top 100 List. But they are
still so good that I couldn't bear to throw them out. Therefore, as an
expression of gratitude, I have tossed them into...
[Cellblock A]
and
[Cellblock B]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
This web page has been given the following awards:
* Cruel Site of the Day for Friday, December 13, 1996.
[Go to the Cruel Site of the Day site]
* Worst of the Web for Wednesday, May 21, 1997.
[Go to the Worst of the Web site]
* Things To Do If Bored for Monday, September 8, 1997.
[Image]
* This page has also been added to the index of Fun Reading at The Mining
Company <http://scifibooks.miningco.com/>.
* An award from the The Enlightenment Zone
[Acknowledgment of Enlightenment from The Enlightenment Zone]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you have any other tidbits of advice that you would like to contribute to
this list -- you're too late! The list is full. However there is still
plenty of room left in The Dungeon: Cellblock B. Feel free to e-mail me with
your advice or visit the Evil Overlord Homepage at
http://world.std.com/~olorin/peter_overlord.html. (Suggestion may be
summarily rejected or edited without your permission. What do you expect
from an EVIL Overlord?)
I wish to thank the following contributors to this list who, if I ever
happen to become an Evil Overlord, will be named as lieutenants -- but not
trusted lieutenants -- in my Legions of Terror:
* Peter Ashen <pash@netspace.net.au>
* Vance Atkins <glacier@nwlink.com>
* David Borcherding <lestat@one.net>
* Ian Bell <ibell@cix.compulink.co.uk>
* Devon Black <magedoug@isu.edu>
* Bill Campbell <bcamp23@airmail.net>
* Torgeir Christiansen <torgeir.christiansen@fys.uio.no>
* Paul Dietrich <paulmd@efn.org>
* Mario Di Giacomo <mdg@ids.net>
* Chris Dunham <chameleo@ebtech.net>
* Jon Fowlkes <jon@ahcg.com>
* Tony Gowland <ag120@york.ac.uk>
* James Grannon <JGRANNON@mail.starledger.com>
* Ward Griffiths <gram@cnct.com>
* Dave Harper <dharper@mustang.uwo.ca>
* Paul J. Henry <clyde@moose.org>
* Julie Helmer <AnnieKey@aol.com>
* Greg Huffman <huffmang@gsg.eds.com>
* Lynn Irwin <jalyn@nanosecond.com>
* Curtis M Johnson <Curtis_M_Johnson@celcorp.com>
* Noah Johnson <streak@well.com>
* Ramin Kamal <ramin@sidefx.com>
* Edmund Kao <kao@cems.umn.edu>
* SEK <SKemp@formmaker.com>
* Terran Lane <terran@ecn.purdue.edu>
* Bill Lee <bill_lee@qmgate.corp.apple.com>
* Michael Lorton <mlorton@microsoft.com>
* Mike Marano <profmike@dnai.com>
* Christy Marx <moonfire@cybergate.com>
* Andy Mcdermott <andymc@paragon.co.uk>
* David Mcelfresh <dmcelfre+@pitt.edu>
* Angus McIntyre <angus@pobox.com>
* Kevin Meehan <kaliban@ix.netcom.com>
* Meteor <sirius@fl.net.au>
* Pete Meyers (Wasser) <a-petem@microsoft.com>
* Mark Minisi <ccs473@webspan.net>
* Eric Minton <minton@planet.earthcom.net>
* Jesse Mundis <jesse@Internex.NET>
* CL Murphy <CL@ncgwpc.syntellect.com>
* Mark Musante <olorin@world.std.com>
* Sunil Narayan <anarayan@tpts1.seed.net.tw>
* Francesco Nicoletti <francesco.nicoletti@tafensw.edu.au>
* Daniel Palivec <PALIVEC@rtime.felk.cvut.cz>
* Joel Polowin <JoelP@agiss.com>
* Zed Rational <zedrational@geocities.com>
* Peter Scott Rogers <psrogers@owlnet.rice.edu>
* Lisa Rose <rosita@igc.apc.org>
* Sara <Ommonkey@aol.com>
* Yuri Schimke <yuri@zip.com.au>
* Lucas Schofield <lschofie@eagle.wbm.ca>
* Kathryn R. Smith <s898@hopi.dtcc.edu>
* John & Donna Spert <jjs@io.com>
* L. J. Tomsho <Caducom@ix.netcom.com>
* Taldin the Blue Unicorn <taldin@netcom.com>
* Jae Walker <walkerj@pilot.msu.edu>
* Monika Weikel <weikel@rohan.sdsu.edu>
* Justin Wiley <juwiley@vt.edu>
* Bill Woods <wwoods@ix.netcom.com>
* baldycotton@mindspring.com
* g.kenter@genie.com
* miles@kurland.com
* rsledge@spry.com
* tjeerd@xs4all.nl
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would also like to proclaim "Hercules", "Xena", "Sinbad", "Tarzan" "Robin
Hood", and "Conan" to be the Official Television Shows of the Evil Overlord
List. Their repeated efforts to illustrate why Evil Overlords need such a
list serve as examples to us all.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Dungeon: Cellblock A
Peter's plan to create a Top 100 List has come to fruition. However, there
are several other bits of advice he'd follow if he ever became an Evil
Overlord...
[Editor's note: the following list is numbered using the HTML <OL> tag with
the START parameter set to 101. If the list below starts at 1 instead of
101, your browser doesn't support the latest HTML standard.]
101. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
102. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident --
I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
103. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I
simply choose not show them any.
104. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or
adhere to any other dress codes.
105. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's
caused.
106. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately
flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from
there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to
attempt this.
107. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I
will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough
that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good
structural reason.
108. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a
secondary character who has given up his/her life through self
sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
109. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and
with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in
the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret
of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens
will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
110. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting
into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
111. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being
executed.
112. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be
neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
113. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While
elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they
are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
114. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
115. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are
dead.
116. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay
with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of
explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
117. No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling
"Leave him. He's mine!"
118. If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not
be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally
falling on when fatally wounded.
119. I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in
his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy
henchmen instead.
120. Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic
math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one
more shot than the standard issue.
121. If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the
pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
122. The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may
direct fire inward or at each other.
123. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public,
contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave
their beards before entering.
124. Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for
me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither
a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get
him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a
falling-out with his father many years ago.
125. Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof
deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging,
etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to
"imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or
monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's
demise.
126. Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can
easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys
to throw him off track.
127. Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of
tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The
guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any
other source will result in execution.
128. I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any
possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs
are externally mounted and easily removable.
129. Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each
other in the arena.
130. All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored
uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the
uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
131. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
132. Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a
thorough background investigation and security clearance.
133. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been
associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable,
but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the
next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
134. If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a
small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along
side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb
aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me.
(A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)
135. My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device
called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the
last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will
include a back-up device known as a battery.)
136. If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has
to be deactivated and make every wire red.
137. Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or
other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if
there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra
budget.
138. The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with
fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost,
but my security patrols will be more effective.
139. If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then
encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway
just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I
will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
140. I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to
look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the
prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the
chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the
lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as
a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no
threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
141. As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children.
My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real
threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to
win the hero.
142. If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my
three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters
to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary
to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation
of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever
and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like
crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend
quality time with the grandkids.
143. If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly
defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national
holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This
will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least
I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they
are holding a parade in his honor.
144. I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero
so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I
will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump
out of the way.
145. My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to
the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot
of prisoners know Morse code.
146. If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships
found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately
vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
147. I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted,
and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded
posthumously.
148. Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me
that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the
schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.
149. Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows
or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the
ceiling.
150. I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic
weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to
"hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".
151. I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved
for my trusted lieutenant.
152. I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to
accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.
153. My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely,
when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind
the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.
154. I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In
particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts,
"Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of
this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
155. If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance
kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
156. If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my
Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are
available.
157. Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date
the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not
worry too much if they get stolen.
158. I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my
folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes
the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
159. If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an
odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like
hell.
160. Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits
will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to
recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.
161. I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a
rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant
gong before finishing off my enemy.
162. If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on
public display.
163. When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that
does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the
rebel camp.
164. I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make
sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the
hero.
165. As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired
body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone,
I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of
sending all of them out of the room.
166. If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did
so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.
167. If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my
choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's
largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious
15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the
brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.
168. I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are
captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up
while I decide his fate.
169. If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many
precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans
and firewalls.
170. I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and
oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group
that will form the core of a rebellion.
171. I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location
where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling
down from above.
172. I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way
if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out,
take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.
173. Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's
rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he
blames the hero.
174. If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to
me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to
rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress
and order his execution.
175. I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the
dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide
valuable information once placated.
176. I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from
swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure
out when someone has entered in this fashion.
177. If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work
for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for
her future wedding and her children's college tuition.
178. If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says
"Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me
to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the
side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the
hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me
it will now be heading for him.
179. I will not outsource core functions.
180. If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will
make sure it cannot operate in reverse.
181. I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any
wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be
set on fire.
182. I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls.
Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in
the festival pavilion.
183. Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I
will install a surge suppressor.
184. I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of
mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone
sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).
185. If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic
little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all
personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.
186. I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the
hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him
then leaving him to his own devices.
187. I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR
among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
188. I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects.
Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they
too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.
189. I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll
never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are,
that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.
190. If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my
Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to
complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta
version.
191. I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is
nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes
trouble with the EEOC.
192. If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her
that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
193. If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at
the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on
her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage.
On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive
and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at
the moment of dramatic climax.
194. I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my
fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.
195. I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use
them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking
them.
196. I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress.
His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.
197. I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and
swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or
club him with a gun will be summarily executed.
198. I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed
strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one
needs to know.
199. I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a
person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make
alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then
double-cross them in their moment of glory.
200. During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to
lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be
required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.
Due to the ever prevalent problem of prison overcrowding, we have been
forced to open another cell block, Cellblock B.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Those who helped create the Top 100 List have kept their positions of honor
even if their entries wound up here. However, others have offered their aid,
albeit late, and so still deserve some reward. If I ever become an Evil
Overlord, the following people will be granted luxury suites in my dungeon
and receive a diet of fresh-baked bread and imported mineral water.
* Daniel Abraham <Daniel.Abraham@ov.com>
* Ken Arromdee <arromdee@randomc.com>
* Marc Asher <masher@aivia.com>
* Donald Ayre >dayre@tibco.com<
* James Barbetti <jamesb@tcel.com>
* Robert Barbetti <tarnish@atrax.net.au>
* Bruce Barnes <bruce@central.apana.org.au>
* Chris Beard <Chris.Beard@chirondiag.com>
* R.M. Bernstein <bernsteinr@cber.fda.gov>
* Ellen Theresa Bjorge <bjorgeet@whitman.edu>
* Dan Black <vilkata@iastate.edu>
* Grahame Bowland <bowest@wantree.com.au>
* Wes Bridges <sdrake@mail.geocities.com>
* Chris Campbell <Sankarah@ix.netcom.com>
* Melanie Chameleon <she_x@hotmail.com>
* Kimberly Chapman <aq593@freenet.carleton.ca>
* Patrick Chester <wolfone@io.com>
* Garrett Choi <gchoi@cco.caltech.edu>
* Gail Dahlstrom <Gail.Dahlstrom@mailhub.hitchcock.org>
* Aguido Horatio Davis <agdavis@gucis.cit.gu.edu.au>
* James Denam <ge1004jd@vt.edu>
* Kirsten Edwards <lhartwig@kcls.org>
* Douglas Elder <frostfire@mail.utexas.edu>
* Karen Feigenbaum <kfeigenb@ale.caisisco.com>
* Jay Fife <jfife@wv.usaor.net>
* Natalie Forrest <forr0009@algonquinc.on.ca>
* Sam Gonhue
* Stephen Griffith <wolf@gdi.net>
* Wallace Hale <halew@nbnet.nb.ca>
* Bill Herdle <WBHerdle@compuserve.com>
* Ben Hsu <bhsu@us.oracle.com>
* Rick Jones <rickj@ece.rice.edu>
* Myranda Kalis <mbvalis@ccc-s.cedarcrest.edu>
* Harry Kenney <dravyk@voicenet.com>
* Kevin Krom <krom@cgi.com>
* Bruce Ladewig <ladewig@primenet.com>
* Jo Laing & Dave Palmer <dave@laingpalmer.prestel.co.uk>
* Gregory Lam <gregory.lam@ablelink.org>
* Linda Lassman <lassman@bldgdafoe.lan1.umanitoba.ca>
* Meg Levin <meglev@webspan.net>
* Tim M. <Tim@alia1.demon.co.uk>
* Frank Marler <frithrah@nwlink.com>
* Mark McDermott <mcdermot@mcs.net>
* Walter Means <W.E.MEANS.JR.@worldnet.att.net>
* Norman Meluch <g1unnm@fanniemae.com>
* Bryce Merriman <bmerrima@luthersem.edu>
* Kim Moser <kim@crossover.com>
* Kevin Andrew Murphy <grimoire@ix.netcom.com>
* Fred Musante <fmusante@connix.com>
* Steve Nelle <snelle@inxpress.net>
* Tony J. Podrasky <tonyp@hydra.rsn.hp.com>
* Joel Polowin <JoelP@agiss.com>
* Michael Powers <mpowers@mail.widowmaker.com>
* Timothy Ruppell <TRuppell@instantlink.com>
* Karen T Sharp
* Robert Shaw <amtrs@sun.leeds.ac.uk>
* Carrie Shutrick <caos+@andrew.cmu.edu>
* Mike Stanczyk <stanczyk@pcisys.net>
* Kal Socolof <KASOCOLOF%SHCCVA@mail.suny.edu>
* Erik Tavares <ETavares@novations.com>
* Beth and Richard Treitel <treitel@wco.com>
* John & Linda VanSickle <vansickl@erols.com>
* Skip Wall <skipw@thetech.org>
* Eric Wardwell-Gaw <radlok@aol.com>
* Steve Wellcome <wellcome@mail.dec.com>
* Matthew Wilcox <matthew.wilcox@chbs.mhs.ciba.com>
* Eric Wilner <eric@iptcorp.com>
* Robert J. Woodhead <trebor@animeigo.com>
* James A. Wolf <jawolf@tiac.net>
* Lydia Wooster <silvercat@qnet.com>
* John Woznack <woz@n-space.com>
* Robin Yenney <danzmuse@cancom.net>
* Dominic Yong <dzeyong@pacific.net.sg>
* Sean Young <youngp@bigfoot.com>
* HPrill <HPrill@AOL.COM>
* James <ambrose@fastrans.net>
* Judy <jaryden@magick.net>
* Lizard <lizard@dnai.com>
* Maie <picpraha@terminal.cz>
* Melchar <melchar@gnomes.org>
* Vladico <vladico@yesic.com>
* <AriaRaven@aol.com>
* <WDFryCook@aol.com>
------------------------------------------------------------------------
This Dungeon List is Copyright 1996-1998 by Peter Anspach <Anspach@aol.com>.
If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided
that (1) it is not altered in any way and (2) this copyright notice is
attached.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Dungeon: Cellblock B
What can we say? Despite the horrendously barbaric conditions of The Dungeon
(only two premium cable channels and the complete lack of a jacuzzi), eager
applicants keep sending in their suggestions. To deal with our own
overcrowding, we proudly announce the opening of a new cell block.
[Editor's note: the following list is numbered using the HTML <OL> tag with
the START parameter set to 201. If the list below starts at 1 instead of
201, your browser doesn't support the latest HTML standard.]
201. All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be
fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
202. All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts,
permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty
well destroy their credibility.
203. I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
204. I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in
keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will
come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light
source.
205. All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any
alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the
dungeon.
206. When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on
foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
207. Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided
they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this,
anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station
unmonitored will be shot.
208. Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity
Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous
to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and
destruction.
209. I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a
faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am
absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can
still date.
210. All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep
track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about
my fortress are actually plotting.
211. If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in
the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
212. I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons
against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
213. I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold
fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in
doors or tripped over during an escape.
214. If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular
quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality
immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results.
(Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's
girlfriend.)
215. If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy
one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the
market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but
whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find
that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
216. If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly
withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to
assassinate the hero.
217. If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his
former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all
alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I
will politely decline the offer.
218. I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is
now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous
materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
219. I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to
strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even
be considered for the job.
220. Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For
example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and
flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the
climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my
reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
221. My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they
generate.
222. I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little
too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not
at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these
incompetent fools?!"
223. I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room
contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
224. I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than
wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a
chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge
protectors".
225. I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the
front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes
little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
226. I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that
someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them
find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive
strike.
227. I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.
228. If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally,
I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.
229. If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set
all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and
launch them successively.
230. I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.
231. Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of
visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Those who helped create the Top 100 List have kept their positions of honor.
Those who were originally let into Cellblock A are still languishing away.
But I still feel the need to reward the new contributors. If I ever become
an Evil Overlord, the following people will be granted corporate suites in
my dungeon and receive a diet of homemade bread and pure spring water.
* Torbjörn Andersson <d91tan@csd.uu.se>
* Jeff Chien <spork@lycosmail.com>
* David Hendershot <hendershd@mail.bchs.pvt.k12.ca.us>
------------------------------------------------------------------------
This Dungeon List is Copyright 1996-1998 by Peter Anspach <Anspach@aol.com>.
If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided
that (1) it is not altered in any way and (2) this copyright notice is
attached.
------------------------------------------------------------------------