Subject: Creationism FAQ

From: [email-masked] (Richard Harter)
Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 7:20:00 PST

WARNING FOR THE HUMOR IMPAIRED -- THIS IS SATIRE

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There has been a considerable call for a Creationist FAQ, which doesn't
seem to be forthcoming in any great hurry.  In the interests of
facilitating matters I have decided to jump the gun and provide a
provisional Creationist FAQ.  Regard this as a provisional effort; I am
not an expert in these matters and may have erred in a few small
details.  Criticisms and suggestions for improvement are welcome.
Speculations on my private life will be met with dignified silence.
Q: What is the principle evidence for Creationism?
A: The Holy Bible, of course.  After all, is it likely that the author
   of the Universe would be mistaken about its age?

Q: But isn't the Bible religion and not science?
A: Truth is truth.  It's a poor sort of science that ignores truth.

Q: But isn't there a lot of evidence for evolution?
A: Not really, most of it is from university professors writing papers
   for each other.  If they didn't write papers they wouldn't have jobs.

Q: How big was Noah's ark?
A: Big enough.

Q: But what about radioactive dating?
A: Hey, everybody knows that stuff is bad for you.  Stick with good
   Christian girls.

Q: What about the fossil evidence?
A: The real fossils are university professors writing papers for each
   other.

Q: Is there any other evidence for Creationism besides the Bible?
A: Yes.

Q: Can you give us some?
A: Yes.

Q: Could you give us a specific example?
A: Yes.

Q: What be a specific example of evidence for Creationism?
A: I've already answered that question.

Q: What about the Antarctic ice core data?
A: Now I put it to you.  Coop up a bunch of men in a Quonset hut in the
   worst weather in the world, with nothing to do but gather data and
   drink, and what do you expect?

Q: Did the dinosaurs coexist with man?
A: Look, the liberals were preaching coexistence with the Communists,
   and you saw what happened to them.

Q: Should Creationism be taught along with Evolution in the schools?
A: Creationism should be taught instead of Evolution in the schools.

Q: Doesn't the Geologic Column prove that the Earth is very old?
A: The geologic column proves that some things are on top of other things
   and some things are underneath other things.  But we already knew that,
   didn't we.

Q: Hasn't Evolution been demonstrated in the laboratory?
A: Students are demonstrating everywhere these days.  To their shame,
   many professors are demonstrating also.

Q: Aren't Hawiian wallabies an example of Evolution in action?
A: No.

Q: Why not?
A: Because they aren't.

Q: What is a kind?
A: A kind is cards of the same rank.  Thus 4 aces and a king are four
   of a kind, but four spades and a heart are not.

Q: Doesn't genetic variation indicate that life has been going on a long time?
A: Let's be up front about this.  That's deviation, not variation, and yes,
   there is a lot of deviancy out there.  That just shows that there has been
   a lot of Sin since the garden of Eden.

Q: What about Neanderthal Man?
A: Hey, you take one of those geezers and put him in tweeds and give him a
   pipe and he could be a professor anywhere.

Q: Some scientists state that the earth's continents are drifting
   around on top of a molten interior which has shaped life as we
   see it now.  Are they right?
A: As you well know the Bible says that beneath the surface of the
   earth is Hell where there is eternal fires and brimstone.  If
   the continents appear to be moving around that is Satan's doing.

Q: Why do almost all of the scientists believe in Evolution?
A: The real scientists don't.  As for the rest of them, that's a very good
   question, isn't it?

Q: Are you talking about a Satanic conspiracy?
A: Did I say anything about a conspiracy?  You might want to think about
   the shape the world is in since the Evolutionists and the Liberal
   Humanists captured academia and Evolution is hand in hand with Godless
   Communism and crime in the streets but I certainly wouldn't want to
   say anything about a Satanic conspiracy.  I just want you to think
   about it with an open mind.

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