Falling Down In Public by Jon Carroll July 24, 1997 L. RON HUBBARD said that the way to get rich in America was to start a religion, and when people accused him of being cynical, he went out and did it. L. Ron Hubbard was a writer who felt himself undercompensated considering his enormous gifts. I too am a writer. I have no comment at all about my compensation, and will have none until my religion gets going. The Church of Falling Down in Public. I had this idea, which I am now calling an awakening, when I fell down in public. I want to explain the apparent reason why I fell down, not that I was embarrassed in any way, even though it was in front of a whole bunch of people. On the sidewalk near the South Park Cafe in San Francisco, there are some street trees. The trees are surrounded at their bases by pebbles. The tops of the pebbles are perhaps one inch below the surface of the sidewalk. It's an uneven surface. It's a trap for the unwary. It's an opportunity for growth. So I was communing with the inside of my brain, trying to achieve oneness with the universe and remember the name of my luncheon companion. My eyes were straight ahead, as eyes are designed to be. I expected the sidewalk to be where the sidewalk always is. My foot hit the pebbles instead; I stumbled. It was one of those magnificent full-frontal stumbles. I left a vacant spot against the sky. In an instant, I was prone of the sidewalk -- but I was not prone to argue. No sir! At that moment, I thought: This is the first communion in the Church of Falling Down in Public. It wasn't a silly mistake; it was a way of freeing my mind from mundane concerns. It was an epiphany. So many people fall down in public without understanding it as an act of worship. I could be a river unto those people. APREGNANT WOMAN helped me up. I'm sure I don't have to get into the symbolism involved here. A pregnant woman helped me up. The Mother Goddess, if you will. She had a Texas accent, this goddess. ``God bless you, darlin', are you all right?'' she asked. People of the book (or of the newspaper, anyway), hear me now: She said, ``God bless you, darlin'.'' What could be clearer? My act of Falling Down in Public had received instant affirmation from the deity. And then she said: ``Are you all right?'' Of course I'm all right! I'm blessed! I've fallen down in public! I once was down and now am up! I have risen! It feels good to be good today! Can someone say ``fall down?'' SO WHAT I AM saying now is this: If you have fallen down in public, send me money. Yes, a nice letter would be swell too, I'll be sure to file it, but mostly the money. Because I need to spread the word. We're going to start a college or something. We're going to send men with narrow ties to fall down in your neighborhood. We're going to have entire battalions of women falling down in airports. I'm going to have a television show and everyone will fall down and then they will get up. May I say that again: And then they will get up. Sometimes you feel as though you'll never get up. Am I right? Sometimes you are tired and confused and weary and you wonder whether you'll get up ever again. But you will! Every day at 6 a.m. on Channel 71, we'll all get up together. And then we'll write checks. Say ``fall down!'' Thank you. Because life is a hard road with many street trees and stupidly designed pebble beds, and we all fall down sometimes, and the trick is to see the falling down as our first blessing. Say ``fall down'' for me! Yes! ------------------------------------------------------------- I sing because I'm happy; I sing because I'm free; his eye is on the sparrow, so he must be watching jrc@sfgate.com, far bigger than a sparrow, fall down in public. ------------------------------------------------------------- Is there someon in the congregation today who has tripped and stumbled? Good news!