Subject: FW: [resnick] cats new years resolutions
From: "Adrienne Gormley" <[email-masked]>
To: "Deirdre Saoirse Moen" <[email-masked]>
Date: Sat Mar 8, 2003 12:45:16 AM US/Pacific

Got this from Brad Sinor, off the Resnick list.  Enjoy.

Adrienne
www.sff.net/people/a.gormley

A Cat's New Year's Resolutions:

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with
that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my
human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to
stuff them down the sink's drain.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt
right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the
stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl
at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the
night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that
my human can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and
stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the
Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to
sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget
this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my
attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase
leaves.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as
my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

I will not intrude on my human's candlelit bubble bath and singe my
bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something
in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave
me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it
dissolves in boiling coffee.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not
necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try
to open it up to get the birds out.

I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder
(with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move
out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls.
That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans
sit there and laugh.

Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have
been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered
the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my
window.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to
bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really
come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to
catch them.

Any critters that live in the house (hamsters), stay in the house and
any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed
to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the
fish tank.

I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have
sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to
sleep once in a while.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in
its bowl.

I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there
until I get hungry.

I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.

I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of
the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to
the underside.

I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing
things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the
stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose
at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they
chase meor how hard they pull my tail.

If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the
scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is
much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it
isn't as tasty.

I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not
get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor
afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in
the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used
socks, or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from
me.

A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

I showed these to my cats.  They just yawned and walked away.  It looks
like another year.

Mike's web site: <http://www.fortunecity.com/tattooine/farmer/2>