THE BLUES attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky and some whitey. [Archivist's note: Wrong, bucko. This text is a modified version of an essay called 'Blues for Beginners' by Judith Podell, which she published in 1997 in _Wordrights Magazine_ and then again in 2001 in her book _Blues for Beginners and Other Obsessions_, Argonne House Press. It was then transcribed by unknown parties for unauthorised Internet republication, stripping Ms. Podell's author credit from her creation. This paragraph is an attempt to correct that wrongful act. See: http://elisblues.blogspot.com/search/label/how%20to%20sing%20the%20blues http://www.amazon.com/Blues-Beginners-Obsessions-Judith-Podell/dp/1887641564/ ] 1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning" either on the wrong side of bed, or the wrong bed. 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman With the meanest dog in town. 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. I got a good woman With the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher And weighs 500 pounds. 4. The blues are not about limitless choice. 5. Blues cars are Chevys, Fords, and Cadillacs, the only makes the downtrodden are aware of. Other common blues transport is Greyhound or train, so long as it's southbound. Walkin' plays a major part in blues lifestyle. 6. Teenagers can't sing blues. Adults sing blues. Adult means old enough to get the electric chair. Blues arise from believing it's probably inevitable. 7. You can't know the blues in Iowa or Vermont or a chartered jet. The blues is more than feeling down. Born into the black slums of any large American city give you the blues unless you're high. 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: a. violet b. beige c. mauve 9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. 10. Good places for the Blues: a. the highway b. the jail house c. the empty bed Bad places: a. Ashrams b. Gallery openings c. Weekend in the Hamptons 11. Only an elderly black man can sing the blues while wearing a suit, but it must be his only one. 12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if: a. your REAL first name is a southern state--like Georgia b. you're blind c. you killed someone and got caught d. you can't be satisfied No, if: a. you were once blind but now can see b. you have gout c. you have a trust fund 13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing blues. 14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are: a. wine (cheap) b. Irish whiskey c. muddy water Blues beverages are NOT: a. a mixed drink b. a wine kosher for Passover c. Yoo Hoo d. imported beer e. saki 15. Death in a cheap motel or a shack is a blues death. Stabbed by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse (some,) or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during liposuction or from substance abuse on a Caribbean cruise. 16. Some Blues names for Women Some Blues Names for Men a. Sadie a. Joe b. Big Mama b. Willie c. Bessie c. Little Willie d. Billie d. Lightning 17. Real blues singers are called But not a. Joe a. Joseph b. Big Bill b. William the great c. Buffy c. Muffy d. Moses d. Todd e. Lady Day e. Lady Di f. Boy f. The Boss 18. Cops, members of the Junior League, full professors, people holding elective office, or anyone used to being addressed as Sir or Ma'am can come no closer to the blues than "blues-like." 19. Blues Names Starter Kit a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Cockeye) b. First name followed by name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi) c. Last Name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) Mix and match but use finesse. Consumptive Mango Nixon won't cut it. 20. Acceptable themes for blues: a. death b. heartbreak c. loss of loved one d. death e. heartbreak f. loss of loved one Unacceptable themes for blues: a. death of pet b. heartburn c. loss of tennis match d. flunked exam e. passed over for promotion f. leaf blower broken 21. Why? To avoid this - "Woke up this mornin', And my leaf blower broke, Woke up this mornin', It went up in smoke. I called my baby, Called her beeper line, I give her a beeper Cause she so divine. Two minutes later She call me on the phone, I say come get me, I got no car at home. She say she's workin', In her office downtown, But I know she's lyin', She's with a guy named Joe Brown. My baby's clever, a Whole lot smarter than me, But even my baby Can't fool caller ID.