Is This A Kissing Book?

This is a Lord of the Rings/Princess Bride crossover parody written originally by
DeVee 2003Ė2004, expanded on by Molly J. Ringle (aka MollyRingwraith) and the patrons of her board at Ė and finally written up by ōystein Bech Gadmar (aka DreymaR) 2005.


The Fellowship of the Ring

PETER JACKSON: Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up:

Dagorlad, 3000 years ago:
SAURON [swipes away a host of soldiers by magic]: I did that on purpose. I didnít have to miss you.
ISILDUR: I believe you. So, what happens now?
SAURON: We face each other as Eru intended; sportsmanlike. No tricks, huge weapons, skill against skill alone.
ISILDUR: You mean, youíll put down your magic and Iíll put down my host, and weíll try and kill each other like civilized people?
SAURON: I could kill you now?
ISILDUR: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.
SAURON: Itís not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I donít even exercise.
SAURON [swings at ISILDUR, but misses]: Youíre quick!
ISILDUR: Good thing too.
SAURON [knocks ISILDUR back against a boulder]: I just figured why you give me so much trouble.
ISILDUR: Why is that, do you think?
SAURON: Well, I havenít fought just one person for so long. Iíve been specializing in groups, fighting armies for dominion of Middle-Earth ... that kind of thing.
ISILDUR: Why should that make such a ... [cuts off SAURONís ring hand] ... difference?
SAURON: You see, you use different moves when youíre fighting half a thousand people, ... than when you only have to worry Ö about Ö one. [dies]


ISILDUR: Soldier, are there Orcs ahead?
SOLDIER: If there are, weíll all be dead!

A torture chamber in Mordor, some time ago:
GOLLUM: So itís to be torture then? [ORC nods] ... I can cope with torture. [ORC shakes head]
GOLLUM: Donít believe me?
ORC: You survived the Dagorlad, you must be very brave, but nobody withstands The Machine.


ORC: Iíve just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really donít know what that would do to you. So, letís just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?
GOLLUM: Baggins! Shire!
ORC: Interesting.

Hobbiton, now:
SAM: Yes, master Frodo?
FRODO: Come with me to Mordor?
SAM: As you wish.

GANDALF: To the death!
SARUMAN: No! To the pain!
GANDALF: I donít think Iím quite familiar with that phrase...
ARUMAN: Drop... your... staff.

[staff flies through the air]

SARUMAN: Have a seat.

The Inn of the Prancing Pony:
STRIDER: I am waiting for Gandalf! You told me to go back to the beginning, so I have. This is where I am, and this is where Iíll stay. I will not be moved.


STRIDER: I do not mean to pry, but you donít by any chance happen to have a Ring of Power on your right hand?
FRODO: Do you always begin conversations this way?


HOBBITS: Who are you?
STRIDER: No one of consequence.
HOBBITS: We must know.
STRIDER: Get used to disappointment.

SARUMAN: Form a brute squad then! I want Rohan emptied before I
send out the army.
ít be easy, Sire.
SARUMAN: Try ruling Middle-Earth sometime.

ELROND: Who is he? Another elf like that one? Pretty, rich and fair?
ARWEN: No. A ranger. Poor. Poor and perfect, with eyes like the sea after a storm.


ELWOND: Ewiw jewewly. Ewiw jewewly is what bwings us together today.
ELWOND: Ewiw, that cuwsŤd awwangement, that deceit wiwwin a deceit...
ELWOND: Then Ewiw, twue Ewiw, wiww fowwow you fowewah...
ARAGORN: Fellowship! Say Fellowship!
ELWOND: I pwonownce you The Fewwowship of the Wing!
ARAGORN: Escort the hobbits to the gate. Iíll be there shortly.

ARAGORN: Give Frodo back the ring. I mean it!
BOROMIR: Does anybody want a peanut?

GANDALF: Weíll reach the gate by dawn. Ö Why are you doing that?
FRODO: Making sure nobodyís following us.
GANDALF: That would be inconceivable.
FRODO: Are you sure nobody is following us?
GANDALF: As I told you it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable! No one in Mordor knows what weíve done, and no one in Isengard could have gotten here so fast.
GANDALF: Out of curiosity, why do you ask?
FRODO: Suddenly, I just happened to look behind us and something is there.
GANDALF: What?! ... Probably some local Riverfolksman Ö out for a pleasure stroll Ö at night Ö through goblin-infested caverns!


ORC: Finish him! Finish him, your way.
CAVE TROLL: Oh good, my way. Thank you, Orc. ... Which wayís is my way?
ORC: Pick up one of those spears, get behind the column. In a few minutes the hobbit will come running around the bend. The minute his body
is in view, hit it with the spear!
CAVE TROLL: My wayís not very sportsmanlike.


LEGOLAS: I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But for now, rest well and dream of large women.


GANDALF: I am going to duel the Balrog left-handed.
ARAGORN: You know what a hurry weíre in!
GANDALF: It is the onl
y way that I can be satisfied. If I use my right, over too quickly.
ARAGORN: Oh, have it your way.
LEGOLAS: You be careful. Maiar in flames cannot be trusted.

SARUMAN [to URUK-HAI]: Iíve hired you to help me start a war. Itís a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.
SARUMAN: Kill the tall ones and the dwarf, but leave the hobbit for questioning.

Parth Galen:
SAM [to himself]: Go on! Get after him!
FRODO [to himself]: Heís no concern of mine. Sail on!
SAM [drowning]: I donít swim. I only dog paddle.
FRODO [pulls SAM into his boat]: I sup
pose you think youíre brave, donít you?
SAM: Only compared to some.


ARAGORN: There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over.
GIMLI: Who won? How did it end?
ARAGORN: One hobbit ran off alone, an
d the other followed his footprints toward Mordor.
LEGOLAS: Shall we track them?
ARAGORN: They must have seen the orcs closing in, which might account for their panicking into error. Unless I
ím wrong, and Iím never wrong, they are headed straight into the Dead Marshes. Only Merry and Pippin can be helped now. Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Isengard! We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead.

The Two Towers

BALROG: You seem like a decent wizard. I hate to kill you.
GANDALF: You seem like a decent Balrog. I hate to die.


GANDALF: Why wonít my arms move?
GANDALF: Iíve been mostly dead all day.

Emyn Muil:
SAM: Heís climbing down the cliffside ... and heís gaining on us!
FRODO: Inconceivable! ... Faster!!


FRODO: If he falls, fine. If not, the sword.
SAM: Heís got very good arms.
FRODO: He didnít fall? Inconceivable!
SAM: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
GOLLUM: Have you the Wing?


SAM: Kill him quickly.
FRODO [to GOLLUM]: I would as soon destroy a stained-glass window as a creature like yourself. However, since I canít have you following me either..
FRODO [to SAM]: Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like.


GOLLUM: If youíre in such a hurry, you could take this rope off or find something useful to do.
FRODO: I could do that.
SAM: But I do not think we should accept your help, since you are only waiting around to kill us.
FRODO: That does put a damper on our relationship.
GOLLUM: But, I promise I will not kill you until you reach Mordor.
SAM: That
ís very comforting, but Iím afraid youíll just have to wait.
GOLLUM: I hate waiting. Iíll give you my word as one of the Riverfolk.
SAM: No good. Iíve known too many Riverfolk.
GOLLUM: Is there not any way you will trust me?
SAM: Nothing comes to mind.
GOLLUM: I swear on the Preciouss. You will reach Mordor alive.
FRODO: Sam, untie the rope.

I was giving you a chance. It does not matter where you take us. There is no greater hunter than Aragorn. He can track a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find you.
URUK-HAI: You think your dearest love will save you?
PIPPIN:I never said he was my dearest love, and yes, he will save me. That I know.


ARAGORN: A leaf of Lorien. Iíd bet my life on it. And there are the Uruk-Haiís footprints. Theyíre alive, or were an hour ago. If they are otherwise when I find them, I shall be very put out.


EOMER: I tell you once again, surrender!
GIMLI: It will not happen.
EOMER: For the last time, surrender!
LEGOLAS and GIMLI: Death first!
ARAGORN: Do you promise not to hurt them?
LEGOLAS and GIMLI: What was that?
e surrender, and I introduce you, do you promise not to hurt my friends?
EOMER: May I live a thousand years and never hunt orcs again!

Fangorn Forest:
MERRY: Itís not that bad.... Well, Iím not saying Iíd like to build a hobbit hole here, but the trees are actually quite lovely.
PIPPIN: Weíll never succeed. We may as well die here.
MERRY: No, no, we have already succeeded! I mean, what are the three terrors of
Fangorn Forest? One, the orc that followed us in here. No problem, we already lost him. Two, the hobbit-eating tree, but you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.
PIPPIN: Merry, what about the T.O.U.S.
MERRY: Treeherders Of Unusual Size? I donít think they exist.


MERRY: Now, where is that secret knot? Itís impossible to find. [*click*]

The Dead Marshes:
GOLLUM: Do you know what that sound is, hobbit? Those are the shrieking Nazgul. If you donít believe me, just wait! They always grow louder when theyíre about to feed on Ringbearer flesh.

Fangorn Forest:
ARAGORN: Get back, witch!
SARUMAN: Drop... your... sword.
LEGOLAS: I think youíre bluffing.
GANDUMAN: Itís possible, pig. I might be bluffing.
ARAGORN: Who are you!?
GANDALF: Iím no one to be trifled with. Tha
tís all you ever need know.
ARAGORN: You were dead.
GANDALF: Death cannot stop true wizards. All it can do is delay them for a while.
ARAGORN: I will never doubt again.
GANDALF: There will never be a need.

[through THEODEN]: If you wish him dead, by all means, keep moving forward.
GANDALF: Let me explain...
[through THEODEN]: Thereís nothing to explain. Youíre trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen.
GANDALF: Really! In that case, I challenge you to a battle o
f wizardry.
SARUMAN [through THEODEN]: For the King? To the exorcism? I accept!


ARAGORN: You have some skill with a blade.
EOWYN: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro.
ARAGORN: Naturally, but I find that Th
ibault cancels out Capo Ferro. Donít you?


GANDALF: Donít rush me sonny. I said, ďLook to the east on the fifth morning.Ē Rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles!

Ithilien cave:
FARAMIR: The stewardís stinking eldest son got promoted rather than me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While youíre at it, why donít you give me a nice paper cut, and pour lemon juice on it.


GOLLUM/SMEAGOL: You mock my pain!
FARAMIR: Life is pain, creep. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

ARWEN: Any word of Aragorn?
ELROND: Too soon, my angel. Patience.
ARWEN: He will become king.
ELROND: Of course. [to himself] She will not become mortal!

Merry and Pippin riding Treebeard to Isengard:
MERRY: Pippin, you did something right.
PIPPIN: Donít worry. I wonít let it go to my head.

GOLLUM: Good night, hobbitses. Good work. Sleep well. Iíll most likely kill you in the morning.

The Return of the King

The Flooded Grounds of Isengard:
MERRY: Yeah, Longbottom Leaf is the greatest thing in the world, except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe. Theyíre so perky. I love that.


THEODEN: Saruman, we are men of action. Lies do not become us.
LEGOLAS: Shall I dispatch him for you?
GANDALF: No. Whatever happens, I want him to live a long life, alone with his cowardice.

PIPPIN: Youíre trying to trick me into giving away something. It wonít work.
SAURON: It has worked! Youíve given everything away! I know where the hobbit is!

En Route to The Grey Havens:
VISION: Booooooo! Booooooo! Boooooooo!
ARWEN: Why do you do this?
VISION: Because you had love in your hands and you gave it up! Your true love lives, and you sail off to
Valinor! True love saved her from a lonely immortal life, and she treated it like garbage. And thatís what she is, the Queen of Refuse. So bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of putrescence! Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo! [ARWEN wakes up]
PETER JACKSON: It was ten days
Ďtill they sailed. The king-to-be still lived, but Arwenís health was becoming steadily worse.

Ada, reforge the sword of Narsil. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.
ELROND: As you wish.
ELROND: Whatís so important? What you got here thatís worth dying for?
ARWEN: True Love!

The Stairs of Cirith Ungol:
GOLLUM: You were supposed to be this manservant, you were this great legendary companion, and yet there are crumbs on your jacket!
SAM [to FRODO]: Well, Iím carrying food for three people, and Gollumís got only himself.
FRODO: I do not accept excuses! Iím just going to have to find myself a new gardener, thatís all.
SAM: Donít say that, master Frodo. Please?
FRODO: Did i make it clear that your job is at stake?

Throne Room at Minas Tirith:
FARAMIR: Father, thereís more than thirty!
DENETHOR: We canít wait. The invasionís in half an week. We must strike in the hustle and the bustle beforehand.
FARAMIR: As you wish.
DENETHOR: I canít afford to make exceptions. I mean, once word leaks out that a steward has gone soft people begin to disobey him and itís nothing but work, wo
rk, work all the time.

ELROND: Aragorn, Arwen is dying.
ARAGORN: Sheís immortal. She canít die.
ELROND: Whoo hoo hoo! Look who knows so much, heh? Well, it just so happens that your love here is only mostly immortal. Thereís a bi
g difference between mostly immortal and all immortal. Now, mostly immortal is slightly mortal.


EOWYN [at the entrance to the Paths of the Dead]: Youíll never come out alive!
ARAGORN: Nonsense! Youíre only saying that because no one ever has!


EOWYN: Bye bye, boys!
MERRY: Have fun storming Minas Tirith!
EOWYN [to MERRY]: Think it will work?
MERRY [to EOWYN]: It would take a miracle!

Dwimorberg Ė The Haunted Mountain:
GHOST KING: I know who you are! Youíre Isildurís heir, admit it!
ARAGORN: With pride. What can I do for you?
GHOST KING: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.
ARAGORN: Tch-tch-tch. Hardly complimentary, your Highness.

Tomb in Minas Tirith:
DENETHOR: I am the Dread Steward Denethor. There will be no survivors!
GUARD 1: Now?
GUARD 2: Not yet.
DENETHOR: My men are here. I am here. But soon you will not be here!
GUARD 1: Now?!
GUARD 2: Light him!
DENETHOR: The Dread Steward Denethor takes no survivors. All your worst nightmares ar
e about to come true!


PIPPIN: Well now, that was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you?
FARAMIR [shakes head]: You?

Minas Tirith:
WITCH KING: Surrender!
GANDALF: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well then, I accept.
WITCH KING: I give you full marks for bravery. Donít make yourself a fool.

Outside Minas Tirith:
WITCH KING: Good heavens. Are you still trying to win? Youíve got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. Itís going to get you into trouble someday.
EOWYN: Hello. My name is Eowyn. You killed my uncle. Prepare to die!


EOWYN: I admit it, you are better than I am.
WITCH KING: Then why are you smiling?
EOWYN: Because I know something you donít know.
WITCH KING: And what is that?
EOWYN: I am not a man!

The Tower of Cirith Ungol:
ORC 1: Heís only mostly dead!
ORC 2: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.


SAM: Ahhh, isnít he dead?
FRODO: I have no Ring.
FRODO: Sam, Iíll tear your arms off.
SAM: Oh, you mean this Ring.

Minas Tirith:
GIMLI: What are our liabilities?
GANDALF: There is but one working gate, and it is guarded by sixty thousand orcs.
GIMLI: And our assets?
: My sword, your axe, and Legolasí arrows.
EOMER: Thatís it? Impossible. If we had a month to plan maybe I could come up with something. But this... I mean, if we only had a host of men, that would be something.
ARAGORN: Where did we put that
host of men we had?
EOMER: Why didnít you list that among our assets in the first place?! Now, what I wouldnít give for a group of Great Eagles...
LEGOLAS: A diversion?
GIMLI: To the death? I accept!

At The Black Gate:
THE MOUTH OF SAURON: Your hobbit is dead. I killed him myself.
GANDALF: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?
THE MOUTH OF SAURON: He died well. That should please you.
GANDALF: Nothing you can say will upset me. [to ARAGORN] Aragorn, cut his head off.
MERRY and PIPPIN: Everybody move!

Mount Doom, After It Erupts:
[screen goes black]
PETER JACKSON: Frodo and Sam donít get burned up by the lava at this time.
PETER JACKSON: The lava doesnít get them.
Iím explaining to you because you look nervous.
[movie continues]

At the Coronation:
AUDIENCE: Is this a kissing book!?
EOWYN: You know, Itís very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long. Now that itís over, I donít know what to do with the rest of my life.
FARAMIR: Have you ever considered marriage? Youíd make a wonderful Stewardess.

The Grey Havens:
SAM: What is it?
FRODO: Open it up.
SAM: A book?
ís right. When I was your age, adventures were called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my uncle used to write when he was adventuring and I used to write it when I was adventuring... and today, Iím gonna give it to you.
SAM: Does it got any sports in it?
FRODO: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles.
SAM: It doesnít sound too bad. Iíll try and
stay awake.
FRODO: Oh, well, thank you very much. That
ís very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. Oh. Alright: ďThere and Back Again: A Hobbitís Tale by Bilbo Baggins.Ē ...

End Credits:
JACKSON: ĒThe End.Ē Now I think you oughta go to sleep.
PETER JACKSON: All right. Okay, okay, okay. All right. So long.
AUDIENCE: Maybe we could come over and watch it again tomorrow?
PETER JACKSON: As you wish.


© DeVee et al. 2003-2004; DreymaR 2005.