[Archivist's note: If this now seems a bit dated, remember that Karsten and I wrote it at the beginning of June, 2003. -- RM]
[The scene: Major-General Darl McBride has stepped up to the fo'castle
of HMS SCaldera, which has just fought its first skirmish against the
dread Pirates of Penguinance. He prepares to hold a press conference^W^W^W^W
address the troops:]
McBride:
I am the very model of a modern SCO executive.
Our market share is minuscule; our losses are consecutive.
But from our labs deep in U-T, you very soon will surely see
The ultimate, the pinnacle, in high-technolo-barratry.
"Live free or die" philosophies are very well, but still, you see:
Our contracts and our trade secrets make Unix seem our property.
Never mind what we really own (a question not rhetorical):
We have thirty thousand contracts, though most are quite historical.
Lawyer Chorus:
We have thirty thousand contracts, though most are quite historical.
We have thirty thousand contracts, though most are quite historical.
We have thirty thousand contracts, though most are quite historical.
McBride:
While our profit's been elusive, our tort claims are unremitting,
And Blake Stowell's PR quota is still dozens at each sitting.
In short, in matters litigual, continual, accusative,
I am the very model of a modern SCO executive.
Lawyer Chorus:
In short, in matters litigual, continual, accusative,
He is the very model of a modern SCO executive.
McBride:
Our history's mythological (per Eric, it's not factual).
I answer simple questions with evasions indeciph'rable.
I'm quoted in the IT press, first one and then another way,
And if that's not quite sufficient, then Sontag runs some blocking play.
I'm not so good with copyrights, Novell's got those (they say to us),
Our patent holding's very slim, our valuation's perilous.
But please don't ever hit me with our POSIX system standard score.
I'm always quite confused by that infernal nonsense System 4.
Lawyer Chorus:
He's always quite confused by that infernal nonsense System 4.
He's always quite confused by that infernal nonsense System 4.
He's always quite confused by that infernal nonsense System 4.
McBride:
That freaky hippie GPL, you'd think we'd never heard of it!
And all that code we say they took? The Stevens book's got every bit.
In short, with markets minuscule and losses quite consecutive,
I am the very model of a modern SCO executive.
Lawyer Chorus:
In short with markets minuscule and losses quite consecutive,
He is the very model of a modern SCO executive.
McBride:
Our name is "SCO" (although you know we really still are Caldera):
Our Eighties business plan seemed good; why permit a change of era?
That old IP that passed to us seemed ripe for a legal mining.
We're not quite clear on what it is, but it must have been worth buying.
I look with great anxiety on Linux and on BSD.
I've signed up with the Devil: Chairman Bill sent a huge license fee.
He says he has a high regard for intellectual property,
But I really haven't thought much what he'll do when he's done with me.
Lawyer Chorus:
But he really hasn't thought much what he'll do when he's done with him.
But he really hasn't thought much what he'll do when he's done with him.
But he really hasn't thought much what he'll do when he's done with him.
McBride:
Our contract reach is deep and broad, and gives us exclusivity:
The lawyers tell us to shoot wide. (Who'll notice things like privity?)
From the penguinista rabble, I've earned naught but opprobrium.
But dare I'll say I'm twice the man of anyone at I-B-M.
Lawyer Chorus:
But dare'e'll say he's twice the man of anyone at I-B-M.
But dare'e'll say he's twice the man of anyone at I-B-M.
But dare'e'll say he's twice the man of anyone at I-B-IBM.
McBride:
So though we have run quite amok, we readily will go away,
If for our worthless capital, you were this tidy sum to pay.
In short, with markets minuscule and losses quite consecutive,
I am the very model of a modern SCO executive.
Lawyer Chorus:
In short, with markets minuscule and losses quite consecutive,
He is the very model of a modern SCO executive.
It's Wrong. Not just a little Wrong, but very, very Wrong. w3m-img Wrong. Microsoft Tablet PC Wrong. GWB as president of the most powerful country on the planet Wrong.
It's also deliciously funny.
I've also seen the jabberlog. Folks, do not underestimate the pain that went into creating this
-- PeterWhysall - 04 Jun 2003
The correct place from which the captain is to address the ship's company is the quarterdeck, not the forecastle. See: O'Brian, Patrick. Men-of-War: Life in Nelson's Navy. Norton, 1974. -- DonMarti - 04 Jun 2003
But that would imply, Don, that Darl knows how to lead, follow, or get out of the way, and where. Fo'castle it is. -- KarstenSelf - 04 Jun 2003
Then the bowsprit got mixed with the rudder sometimes.
A thing, as the Bellman remarked,
That frequently happens in tropical climes,
When a vessel is, so to speak, “snarked.”
(The Bellman's Speech, The Hunting of the Snark)
-- RickMoen - 04 Jun 2003